How to Survive a Layoff
I just might be an expert at unemployment. This is my fourth time being unemployed in search of work, and my third layoff. I try not to take it personally – it’s just the economy for someone who graduated during the recession (holla, class of 2011!). So anyway, as I have become an expert in unemployment, I thought it would be nice of me to impart some of the wisdom I’ve garnered from multiple layoffs. Please feel free to print this list and tape it to your bathroom mirror, or staple it to a former employer’s forehead should you ever meet in person again. How to Survive a Layoff: Let…
The Invisible Woman
Lately I’ve been thinking about invisibility. Not the superpower that would allow you to sneak into places you shouldn’t frequent, but the more attainable kind I’ve always craved – to take up as little space as possible. It started when I was very young. I was tall, taller than everyone at school, even some teachers. Being teased for my height, I wanted so desperately to be petite and delicate. Instead of a fern, I was a giant redwood. I stayed silent, subconsciously believing my lack of voice would shrink my physical size. Perhaps then I would go unnoticed, one of the crowd, no longer teased. But I always stood out,…
“F” is for…
Today, I’m going to discuss an issue that can be divisive. Please don’t leave, though! This will be fun AND informative! Hooray for learning! See, I think feminism has gotten a bad rap over the past few decades, and I’d like to address the misinformation floating around out there (I’m looking at you, Fox News!). People of a certain stripe with a fun little agenda have gloried in blaming it for societal woes that really have very little to do with the movement itself, and very much to do with the need for a scapegoat and a way to put women back “in their place” – because ALL WOMEN are…
Getting Involved
I wasn’t involved in politics during college. Usually a formative time in a young adult’s life, during the peak of activism and youthful passion I abstained from what I perceived as a low-returns endeavor. To tell you the truth, I was far too busy working full-time, studying and writing papers to notice much of anything. For about ten years of my life, I didn’t really watch TV, didn’t listen to the news, didn’t even know what was going on in the world. This is why I have only recently discovered shows like The West Wing and Lost (how did I miss these gems?). Basically, I have lived the past decade in a time capsule.…
Ring-Around-the-Collar
“What’s the view like from up there?” I stiffened. “I bet you’re already taller than your parents, huh?” He laughed, and the others echoed him. They reminded me of hyenas. I was taller than my parents. At least, I was taller than my mom, and had been for the last year-and-a-half. I was taller than the teacher. I was the tallest girl in the whole school. The only person taller than me was Andy*, but he was weird. He wore tucked in t-shirts to school and was kind of a know-it-all in class. No one teased him for being tall. I didn’t know why they teased me so much, just…
How to Make a Million Dollars an Hour
So I’ve decided I’m going to manage a hedge fund. I don’t know exactly what that means – neither does anybody else, apparently – but I have just learned you can earn up to $1,057,692 an hour doing it. I don’t want to do the actual math, but let’s just say that it’s a tidy sum more than my current hourly rate. Hedge fund managers even get a special tax break, which feels morally wrong to me, but who am I to question how the government taxes its citizens? This plan has no flaw, as far as I can see. You don’t really need to have any skills to do…
Permanent Employee
“Have a seat, Natalie,” the HR Director said, gesturing to the uncomfortably stylish chairs facing her desk. I sat and crossed my legs. The skirt I wore tightly squeezed my hips when I sat, as if they were encased like polyester-covered sausage. I seemed to have gained weight in the seven months since I’d started temping at the sleek marketing company. Perhaps it was the coconut cake I scarfed every day as a “snack” to get me through another painfully boring afternoon scouring the web for tech resumes…or maybe the hazelnut latte that went with the cake…or maybe the lack of exercise from working two jobs and going to grad…
Happiness, Thou Elusive Beast
I am not one of those people who are naturally happy. You know those types – they wake up bright-eyed at six a.m. on the dot, stretch out their arms, and start singing like a Disney character. A cartoon princess I am not. Those of us who were teenagers in the nineties will remember Daria… Yep. That’s my natural temperament. I fight against droll, sarcastic quips every minute. It’s been a losing battle, but I do try. I don’t really like being Miss Doom and Gloom, or as I like to call her, Apocalypta, so I bring my soul back to balance through reading, meditation, prayer and exercise (not at the…
The Cat Lady’s day off. Not to be confused with Ferris Bueller.
I am a big believer in days off. As someone who gets overwhelmed far more easily than she cares to admit, occasional days off are crucial to one’s sanity/well-being. I believe this is a key factor in why I landed in rehab; several years without a single day off made me lose my marbles. Large quantities of liquor was just a coping mechanism for functioning under tremendous levels of stress for years with untreated depression and no breaks. That’s just basic math. Kids, listen up: Untreated Depression + Tremendous Levels of Stress + No Break = Too Much Alcohol. Now that equation would’ve been helpful to learn in grade school. I should…
Laughing Maniacally When You Aren’t Quite Crazy Enough for Arson
There comes a time in a sequence of unfortunate events when one becomes first ragingly furious, followed by hysterically amused. Do you know what I’m talking about? A series of terrible things happen to you, and when the Last Straw hits you like a grand piano, you have to just give up and giggle maniacally? I reached that state of mind today. I was finally in a place of acceptance after this weekend’s carnage. I’m still in pain, but I finally was moving on, at least emotionally – I was even a little excited for what’s in store after accepting the challenge of Operation Rad Bod. Today, that went down…
