How to Make a Million Dollars an Hour
So I’ve decided I’m going to manage a hedge fund.
I don’t know exactly what that means – neither does anybody else, apparently – but I have just learned you can earn up to $1,057,692 an hour doing it. I don’t want to do the actual math, but let’s just say that it’s a tidy sum more than my current hourly rate. Hedge fund managers even get a special tax break, which feels morally wrong to me, but who am I to question how the government taxes its citizens?
This plan has no flaw, as far as I can see. You don’t really need to have any skills to do this job other than an ability to tweak the truth, so I’ll just add an extra letter to my diploma and voilà! I now have an MBA. Let me pencil in the word Finance and I should be ready to give Gordon Gekko a run for his money…
Never mind that I will be detracting precious billions away from the economy just as it desperately needs a cash infusion; I need to finance a Lamborghini I saw at the Grand Prix this weekend that makes a cappuccino for you when you turn on your left blinker. In my opinion, this is a more sound investment than any one of those several-hundred thousand teachers who lost jobs during the recession. I mean, I don’t really like flashy cars, but how else am I going to drive to work and get my morning coffee?
Also, seeing as I am an ordinary middle-class American citizen who graduated from college in the middle of the Great Recession, I am saddled with enough debt to finance any number of small government programs, so I should really take care of that before I start saving for retirement. I’m thinking I’ll be able to retire at 43? By that time, I will have made enough money to purchase that summer home in Monte Carlo and still have enough in the change drawer to keep me in fresh designer duds for the rest of my life.
Now, I know what you’re thinking; I can’t possibly be a hedge fund manager, because I am not a pedigreed white male of wealthy extraction. No! This stereotype is false! This is AMERICA, where everybody has the same opportunities. That is what my government-funded public education taught me, and that is what all of my favorite politicians reinforce daily in Washington. You know, just because the top ten wealthiest hedge fund managers happen to be WASP men doesn’t mean I couldn’t squeeze my way in if I showed a little leg and winked at the right men in charge. Or I could pull a Twelfth Night and just raid my husband’s closet, dispensing with the need for unwanted sexual advances in the workplace…
I’ll keep you posted on this new career plan. If I stop writing, you can attribute it to disgusting wealth and an inability to live with myself.
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43 Comments
Kendra
You are my new hero. Love this post.
Natalie the Singingfool
Ha! I won’t let you down. 🙂
Chris Plumb
Well, it beats my idea of screenwriting “Over the Hedge 4: Roadkill Rage.”
And there is nothing morally wrong with anyone on Wall Street. We learned that after the failure of the Occupy Movement.
Natalie the Singingfool
Chris, I’m telling you, get in before everyone catches on to my scheme…
Jack
A million bucks an hour is chump change. C’mon, shoot for the moon with this one. 😉
Natalie the Singingfool
I’m conservative, Jack, not greedy. 😉
Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson
If I had a million dollars…
If i had a million dollars
I’d owe 33% to the government.
Or maybe even 40%.
That’s cruel.
And I’ll bet you could totally rock that look. 😉
Natalie the Singingfool
Yeah, but a million dollars an hour??? We could make up the difference!
Whoa Susannah
So are you going into the landscaping biz? Because that’s all I know about hedges.
Natalie the Singingfool
I think it has something to do with planting a garden of money…
Whacamole Mom
Yes! What she said!
Great post. Lots of luck to you!
icescreammama
darn! if i would have thought of this before i turned 43 i could have been like one of those RHOBeverly Hills! Darn – day late, 1,000,000,000 too short!!
Natalie the Singingfool
It’s never too late – sure you’ll retire a little later, but you’ll be on a beach in Ibiza by the time your kids graduate high school…
Tomekha
I LOVE THIS POST! I think I may that career shift too. 🙂 A million dollars an hour – I could repay my student loans within half an hour rather than the projected five years I have now.
Tomekha
*make that career shift
Natalie the Singingfool
That’s exactly what I was thinking…:)
Samantha Brinn Merel
I’m cracking up. You are awesome. This post just proves to me, once again, that we would be so much better off if women ran the world.
Natalie the Singingfool
That’s what I’M saying!
Joe
My own hedge fund, that’s a great idea. I’ve just been wasting my time trying to gain tax free status by starting my own religion.
Natalie the Singingfool
That’s for amateurs. The pros just outright steal the money.
Stacie
I’m sure you’d do just as well as the guys already out there. They can be very nasty though (so I think you’re too nice). My husband has worked at companies that they targeted for hostile take-over. They make up nasty personal stuff about the top guys. It’s so unethical, I think they should go to prison!
Natalie the Singingfool
You’re right – I’d probably cry after a half hour in that kind of company. At least I’d have made a half-million dollars in that time, though.
I agree with you though; just because you’re nicely dressed doesn’t exempt you from wrong-doing.
IASoupMama
Go for it! I don’t have the stomach for it, but I wish you the best of luck. And, please pardon me for not letting you invest my money. I don’t have much of it and would like to keep some of it sometime…
Natalie the Singingfool
The more I think this plan through, the more I think I would be totally terrible at this…
Mamarific
Well, hey, sounds good to me! Good luck in your new endeavor!
Natalie the Singingfool
The wave of the future – yuppy greed!
Lol.
Ken
It just so happens that this has been on my mind as well, since a couple nights ago when I heard a radio program on it when I was checking cows at 3:00 AM.
It does sound pretty appealing, except for the part about being the dregs of society and having no conscience at screwing over an entire nation. Maybe that’s better than being out checking on cows at 3:00 AM, though? 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool
I know? Conscience, or millions? Conscience, or millions? Hmm…
Zoe
OH MAN! Why didnt I think of this??? So funny!
Natalie the Singingfool
I should’ve thought of it years ago, lol.
Suzanne
Ha! This is awesome. Maybe I can be your Canadian counterpart? Oh, and does the Lamborghini make lattes?
Natalie the Singingfool
Of course it makes lattes, Suzanne. It is a dream car, after all! 😉
Kirsten Oliphant
I don’t know much about hedge fund managers, but I do now. You could totally rock the Michael Douglas suit, on sheer attitude alone. 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool
You know, after all that, I’m still not entirely sure what they do…
Mary @ A Teachable Mom
I love you. I’m available to be your assistant hedge fund manager – I know how to count and I’m cute. I’m thinking a signing bonus is in order. I’ll let you know where to send it. This post is fantastic – I’m still giggling. Love.
Natalie the Singingfool
You will be my official math-person, then. I am open to negotiating a signing bonus, as long as you are willing to be payed in hugs.
Ericamos
Dude(tte)! Such a great idea!! I totally wanna get in on this too!
Natalie the Singingfool
Right?! Who needs an altruistic career, anyway? Especially if you can’t get a job doing it…
mryjhnsn
You could so pull off that look! And kudos for trying something new. Most are intimidated by new things – like cross dressing. Well done!
Natalie the Singingfool
Cross-dressing doesn’t frighten me. In fact, it sounds rather comfy.
Julia
I want in.
Natalie the Singingfool
I’ll cut you a deal…
Withdrawing 44 650 USD. GЕТ =>> https://telegra.ph/BTC-Transaction--8247-03-14?hs=e6d0c0fad98bc432dc79f5de3b0e3de8&
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