So I’ve decided I’m going to manage a hedge fund.

I don’t know exactly what that means – neither does anybody else, apparently – but I have just learned you can earn up to $1,057,692 an hour doing it. I don’t want to do the actual math, but let’s just say that it’s a tidy sum more than my current hourly rate. Hedge fund managers even get a special tax break, which feels morally wrong to me, but who am I to question how the government taxes its citizens?

This plan has no flaw, as far as I can see. You don’t really need to have any skills to do this job other than an ability to tweak the truth, so I’ll just add an extra letter to my diploma and voilà! I now have an MBA. Let me pencil in the word Finance and I should be ready to give Gordon Gekko a run for his money…

Never mind that I will be detracting precious billions away from the economy just as it desperately needs a cash infusion; I need to finance a Lamborghini I saw at the Grand Prix this weekend that makes a cappuccino for you when you turn on your left blinker. In my opinion, this is a more sound investment than any one of those several-hundred thousand teachers who lost jobs during the recession. I mean, I don’t really like flashy cars, but how else am I going to drive to work and get my morning coffee?

Also, seeing as I am an ordinary middle-class American citizen who graduated from college in the middle of the Great Recession, I am saddled with enough debt to finance any number of small government programs, so I should really take care of that before I start saving for retirement. I’m thinking I’ll be able to retire at 43? By that time, I will have made enough money to purchase that summer home in Monte Carlo and still have enough in the change drawer to keep me in fresh designer duds for the rest of my life.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; I can’t possibly be a hedge fund manager, because I am not a pedigreed white male of wealthy extraction. No! This stereotype is false! This is AMERICA, where everybody has the same opportunities. That is what my government-funded public education taught me, and that is what all of my favorite politicians reinforce daily in Washington. You know, just because the top ten wealthiest hedge fund managers happen to be WASP men doesn’t mean I couldn’t squeeze my way in if I showed a little leg and winked at the right men in charge. Or I could pull a Twelfth Night and just raid my husband’s closet, dispensing with the need for unwanted sexual advances in the workplace…

I’ll keep you posted on this new career plan. If I stop writing, you can attribute it to disgusting wealth and an inability to live with myself.


I could pull off this look. 

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How to Make a Million Dollars an Hour — 42 Comments

  1. Well, it beats my idea of screenwriting “Over the Hedge 4: Roadkill Rage.”

    And there is nothing morally wrong with anyone on Wall Street. We learned that after the failure of the Occupy Movement.

  2. I LOVE THIS POST! I think I may that career shift too. 🙂 A million dollars an hour – I could repay my student loans within half an hour rather than the projected five years I have now.

  3. My own hedge fund, that’s a great idea. I’ve just been wasting my time trying to gain tax free status by starting my own religion.

  4. I’m sure you’d do just as well as the guys already out there. They can be very nasty though (so I think you’re too nice). My husband has worked at companies that they targeted for hostile take-over. They make up nasty personal stuff about the top guys. It’s so unethical, I think they should go to prison!

    • You’re right – I’d probably cry after a half hour in that kind of company. At least I’d have made a half-million dollars in that time, though.
      I agree with you though; just because you’re nicely dressed doesn’t exempt you from wrong-doing.

  5. Go for it! I don’t have the stomach for it, but I wish you the best of luck. And, please pardon me for not letting you invest my money. I don’t have much of it and would like to keep some of it sometime…

  6. It just so happens that this has been on my mind as well, since a couple nights ago when I heard a radio program on it when I was checking cows at 3:00 AM.

    It does sound pretty appealing, except for the part about being the dregs of society and having no conscience at screwing over an entire nation. Maybe that’s better than being out checking on cows at 3:00 AM, though? 🙂

  7. I love you. I’m available to be your assistant hedge fund manager – I know how to count and I’m cute. I’m thinking a signing bonus is in order. I’ll let you know where to send it. This post is fantastic – I’m still giggling. Love.

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