My Dammit List
I’ve been meaning to write this for years, since before starting this blog. However, I resisted for a long time. Partly from fear, partly because words have power and I’m afraid of speaking something I can’t take back, and partly from vague notions that I’m still figuring it out.
See, I’ve always been sort of a boundary-less person, someone who compromises herself in the face of stronger personalities and perhaps economic necessity. But I don’t like this about myself. I wasn’t always this way, but years of muckety-muck and you develop some gnarly coping mechanisms. I transform myself so I don’t get hurt. Believe me, defense mechanisms that rob you of your sovereignty as a human being are not healthy.
So I need a Shit I Stand For list, a Book of Me that I can refer to when I feel my edges wearing away. When I feel like I’m losing myself. Because sometimes I feel like the cord tethering me to Earth is slipping, and that I might disappear, or become a ghost. No one wants to be an amorphous nothing.
So I need to know where I stand, so that I can stand. This is my Dammit List. Imagine punctuating the end of every bulleted item with “dammit,” for emphasis. I reserve the right to update this as necessary.
– – –
- When I take care of myself, I am not being selfish. I cannot be of service to others if I am drained of my capacity. Though I may be an overachiever, I am human, not a wunderkind. So if I need a day off, I will take it and not be ashamed.
- That said, I will not let anybody shame me. Ever.
- I don’t need to take on other people’s pain. Or anger. Or displeasure. Or disappointment. In fact, I am starting a campaign to recognize when I’m doing it, and immediately stop.
- I don’t like self-promotion. It’s icky. It makes me feel less-than, waving my hands and yelling “look at me, look at me!” I’m more of a believer in attraction rather than promotion. I may say, “hey, look at this cool thing I did,” but I will not beg for your attention.
- I don’t need others to validate me.
- I will not work for The Man again. If I am working somewhere and I feel The Man creeping in, I will immediately jettison the emergency escape hatch. I neither wish nor need to sell my soul for money.
I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.
- I don’t have to like going out to bars or parties just because it’s someone else’s idea of fun.
- What I’m feeling is okay. Don’t ever tell me it’s not.
- Also, I’m sensitive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t need to “toughen up.” I am strong. Just because I feel a lot doesn’t mean I’m not strong.
- Don’t tell me my dreams and goals are unrealistic. If you do, I reserve the right to ignore your opinion.
- I love what I love. It may not be cool, but I don’t care about cool.
- It’s not my job to make everybody believe I’m worthy of their admiration. If they figure it out, great, but I won’t jump through hoops to earn anyone’s respect.
- I reserve the right to grow and change, without any reference to your comfort level.
- This list is about me, not you. You can have your own list.
Go ahead, make your own list. When you do, let me know. I want to read it.
66 Comments
Vanessa D.
I like your idea of a dammit list – and it’s a pretty good one too.
Natalie DeYoung
I can’t take credit for the idea of a dammit list, but every item on that list I’m owning.
that cynking feeling
When you feel a lot and deeply, it takes strength to carry all those feelings around. Sensitive is not weak. You are sooo right about that. Dammit!
that cynking feeling recently posted…UN International Day of Happiness
Natalie DeYoung
It does! I’m so glad you said that. I’m tired of being told I need to “toughen up.”
Ericamos
Yes! I had never though about it that way until you listed it. I’m sensitive too, and have grown to be a bit shameful of it. But you’re right. It’s not a sign of weakness, because I know I am a strong person.
Ericamos recently posted…New Beginnings
Natalie DeYoung
Exactly! You know what I’m talking about, then. 🙂
Ice Scream Mama
Yes, Damnit!
Ice Scream Mama recently posted…You say middle. I say center.
Natalie DeYoung
Indeed. 😉
Tam
I feel like I could have written almost all of these myself and as for, ‘I’m sensitive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t need to “toughen up.” I am strong. Just because I feel a lot doesn’t mean I’m not strong.’ Yes, dammit! I think I need to do this.
Tam recently posted…Photo a Day | Care
Natalie DeYoung
A kindred spirit! Writing this was incredibly empowering for me. Now, to remember it…
Ellen
Sigh, Lloyd Dobler! That’s one of my favorite lines from that movie.
Great list, dammit!
Ellen recently posted…Happy
Natalie DeYoung
Right? I latched onto that line and made it my mantra for life. How can you not love Lloyd Dobler?
Lance
I know I could be “more successful” as an indie writer if I pimped myself like a Vegas hooker. But I abhor self-promotion, too.
The first time I saw a therapist and she dropped that “co-dependent” thing on me, if was like watching the atom split for the first time. Nothing was the same after that.
Thanks for letting me read this
Lance recently posted…100 Word Song – Anything
Natalie DeYoung
It’s just too icky for me. I don’t want to dance for attention.
And yes, I’m terribly co-dependent. At least I’m aware of it now though, and I take pains to emotionally extricate myself when necessary.
Tamara (@PenPaperPad)
I honestly did *read* dammit after each line. It gives it more umph. I love this list. There’s several things on there that I’ve had to tell myself.
Also, I think I may give the Moonshine linkup a try. I think.
Tamara (@PenPaperPad) recently posted…About my writing process
Natalie DeYoung
It does, doesn’t it?
And you should. You can link up anything! It’s fun, there’s such a variety of posts to read.
Jack
Lloyd Dobler rocks!
Jack recently posted…That Bossy Woman Needs To Stop Leaning In
Natalie DeYoung
He does! He’s one of my favorite characters.
Kim at Awkward Laughter
Now I want to create my own dammit list and copy #1 and #11, damn it! And also curse the fact that you didn’t have a numbered list, so I had to recount to #11 repeatedly, OCD-style. 🙂
Kim at Awkward Laughter recently posted…The Perils of Un-drunk Dialing
Natalie DeYoung
Haha, I the number formatting turns out wonky in this theme. And YOU SHOULD TOTALLY make a list. I feel much freer now.
Rynna (CoffeeandTheSky)
Hi Natalie,
I think this is such an interesting idea, and I love your list especially #9, #10, #11. Worth to come out with one list of my own. It’s nice to read especially during those bad days where you feel like you’re almost giving up for no reason.
Natalie DeYoung
Yep. I think this list will help when I have those moments (and I’m sure I will). You should do one too – feel free to borrow ideas!
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha
A dammit list – brilliant!!! I love the first one. We need to take care of ourselves. And it doesn’t even have to be about being able to help others. It’s okay for it to be for US. Great list, Natalie!
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha recently posted…Back to School: Women’s History Month
Natalie DeYoung
That’s right! I always feel like I need to justify the need for self-care, but you’re right, it’s okay for us to be us. Thanks for your insight.
Beth Teliho
I read this last night (from my phone) and didn’t comment, but liked it so much I remembered to hop back on this morning and say, YES DAMNIT!!!! Really empowering list. A lot of them rang true for me, too. I did read damnit after each one – haha.
Beth Teliho recently posted…Nudie Resorts And The Ass Dance
Natalie DeYoung
I’m so glad you did! And you should make one too. It feels so good to say “dammit” after each one. 😉
Dana
Dammit,that is a good list, Natalie! I also read dammit after each one, and it felt good. I think the one about not needing others to validate you ties into many of the others, and that’s one that I bet is on most people’s lists. I may write one; I’ll let you know if I do.
Dana recently posted…Come on feel the noise (of boys)
Natalie DeYoung
It does feel good, doesn’t it? 🙂 And that one was strong for me; I always feel like I’m jumping through hoops to earn admiration, when no, I really don’t need to.
Yes, let me know if you do! I love to hear what other people’s “dammit’s” are.
Christine
This is a brilliant idea – I need a Dammit List! So many good points, but “I love what I love” is my favorite. 🙂
Christine recently posted…As the Wind
Natalie DeYoung
You do, dammit! 🙂
Pam
This is great! It’s like a personal missh mission statement. Sorry if this is full
Of typos. A big black box asking me to sign up for your posts in my inbox obscures everything! I don’t know how to to tell it I already get your posts in my email!
Natalie DeYoung
Uh oh! Once in a while the black box doesn’t go away like it’s supposed to…I’ll see what I can do to fix it!
Thank you for commenting anyway! And it’s important to have a mission statement of sorts.
Chris Plumb
You’ve got my respect as a writer and a human being. Dammit.
Chris Plumb recently posted…Blogging Corrupts How People Perceive You
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you so much, Chris. 😉
Robin
I don’t know why you were afraid to post your list. It is a great list, and I bet it resonates with a lot of people. I read your list and said “dammit” at the end of each one. It does help make the point. Good for you for making a list.
I believe I could adopt every single point on your list. I think I’ll make one, too. I need a list. I don’t know if I would have come up with such a good one on my own.
I recently started going to counseling. The first thing my counselor pointed out is that I don’t have good boundaries. Now that I am starting to take care of myself, there are people who are unhappy with the new me. They don’t like the person who is growing and changing. I am learning to be assertive when necessary and to say “no” (nicely). It isn’t easy to change, but it is possible. My husband likes seeing the person I used to be resurface. Me, too.
Robin recently posted…Reflections
Natalie DeYoung
Haha, it does help make the point, doesn’t it? You should do one, even if some of them end up being similar. We all need to know where we stand.
I learned that I don’t really have great boundaries a few years ago, before I quit drinking, and it’s been slow building them. And no, there were people who didn’t like it, but they didn’t like the real me, anyway, just a version of me that confirmed their opinion of the world. When I finally got free from caring about losing relationships based on falseness, I gained so much more self-respect. I’m so glad you’re learning to do the same. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it.
Dawn
This was so good. Like I ate it up good. I can understand and appreciate the three reason you stated as to why it took you so long to write this. The second I finished reading this, I wanted to start on my own list and those feelings you described were pretty much instantly present. I love your writing. You weave words with elegance and oomph! I’m going to go pour myself a glass of wine and start on my own list now, dammit!
Natalie DeYoung
Ooo, thank you for the compliment! And I started this a few months back. It took me a while to finally say “eff-it!” and just finish it up. I can add to it if I want to, dammit! 😉
Considerer
So great that you’re in a place to own the items on this list, Natalie. That’s really, really awesome. And inspiring. I could definitely hear the ‘Damnit’s.
Perhaps one day I’ll be in a place to do one, though I think it would be more self-reinforcement than necessarily something for anyone else to endorse.
Considerer recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful #40
Natalie DeYoung
It took me a long time to get to this place. I’m kind of proud of myself, because standing up for myself is haaaaard.
And thank you for the compliment, Lizzi.
Abdul
Nice list, this is all about you have done or doing. Awesome!!! 🙂 I have a list and it’s all about future goals. You know, “I’m a man.” But after reading your dammit list, I want to revamp my list to be more realistic and practical. thanks for share! 🙂
Natalie DeYoung
Haha. Yes, the two can be separate lists, too. A goal list and a dammit list. 😉
Kristi Campbell
Wow. you GO you. Because you’re so right there for all of it and I think each of us can learn so much with a damnit at the end, or without because none of your points even needed one. Here’s to you not working for the man, not judging yourself based on others, and OMG I cannot stand self promotion. I can’t stand others who do it and well, maybe that’s why nobody really takes me seriously but ugh I hate that part. Also, I am so glad that you know YOU so well. It took me a long time to know me, and I commend you for knowing you, much. Bravo. Big.
Kristi Campbell recently posted…Will School Crush My Special Needs Kid?
Natalie DeYoung
It took a long time for me to recognize myself…now that I know me, though, it’s so freeing. And that’s just another reason I like you, Kristi – you are NOT a self-promo abuser. 😉
Karen
This is so perfect. I read it twice.
I especially loved the line about “defense mechanisms that rob you of your sovereignty as a human being.” Wow- I TOTALLY get that!
Karen recently posted…Legacies
Natalie DeYoung
🙂 Thank you! And I didn’t even realize they were self-defense mechanisms for a long time. I just thought “malleable” was part of my personality.
It isn’t.
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Deanna
Natalie this is amazing and beautiful for so many reasons. I admire that you’re in that place and it inspires me to want to be there as well. As others have stated, so many rang true for me. I especially like the one about self-care as well as the one about self-promotion being icky. I could totally hear the “dammits”. 🙂 This is truly empowering! I may have to see if I can find one within myself. I’ve always called myself a chameleon and I’m working hard to change that, to stop adapting myself to others. It’s a hard process.
And on a side note, you couldn’t have quoted a better line from a better movie! Yesssss!
Deanna recently posted…You Deserve To Be Loved
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Deanna! The “dammits” are implied, of course. 😉 And that is a hard process. It took me years. I’m STILL trying to recover parts of myself. I hope you continue to do so, Deanna.
And yes. That line is my favorite from that movie.
Jen Brunett
“I love what I love. It may not be cool, but I don’t care about cool.”
I want that on a t-shirt!!
Jen Brunett recently posted…Today, I Am Thankful
Natalie DeYoung
“I don’t care about cool.” Zazzle, here I come… 😉
Quinn
Amen, sister. This is fantastic. Owning all of that is what makes you strong!
Quinn recently posted…A Guide to Bird Identification
Natalie DeYoung
I agree! Thanks, Quinn.
Misty
Lloyd Dobler, alright!
Great list. I can see you saying damnit at the end of every one. And it is an interesting concept to make a list of things we are passionate about and want to stand up for, especially when it is ourselves.
Misty recently posted…Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?
Natalie DeYoung
I need it to refer back to when I start feeling wishy-washy again.
The Shitastrophy
It’s like looking in a mirror, and seriously that scene in Say Anything is one of my all time favorites.
The Shitastrophy recently posted…My Car Shitastrophy
Natalie DeYoung
Isn’t it just great? 🙂
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Larks
This is a great list! Now I want to write my own “Dammit” list.
Larks recently posted…Comment on Data vs. OMGData! by Larks
Natalie DeYoung
Do it! Do it! Do it!
stefanie
Nicely put, Dammit! I can relate to lots of these struggles to people please and stand up for oneself. Well stated.
Natalie DeYoung
Thanks! I highly recommend the dammit list.
Linda Roy
Great list. I concur on a number of these. And btw, that Lloyd Dobler quote is one of THE best movie quotes ever. Kevin and I quote it a lot.
Linda Roy recently posted…Mother Goosed: Nursery Rhymes For Modern Times
Natalie DeYoung
It’s become my mantra, lol.
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