You guys, I’m really going through something right now. It could end disastrously. I can hear you all now, giving me pep talks and reassurances, in my head:

This is completely normal.

Every woman has those thoughts now and again.

Honey, give it a week. You’ll change your mind.

Remember last time? You really regretted it.

For the love of pickles, think of your cheeks!

That’s right. I’m bored with my hair.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can you possibly be bored with your straight-as-a-two-dollar-bill mousy brown hair? Woman pay good money to have hair that hangs like wet spaghetti.

I know, I’m ashamed of myself. But I can’t help it, I’m booooorrrrreeeeeed.

Okay, so a little back story:

I have had every haircut known to womankind, save for a perm (I was too young for that 1980’s tomfoolery). Well, that and the pixie. Even I, a hair experimenter extraordinaire, know that a pixie will look hideous on my ginormous head with my prominent nose and fluffy cheeks. No, I am not exaggerating; I have the largest head in the free world. Think Albert Einstein, or maybe Charlie Brown. I have a bigger hat size than Jack Nicholson.

But other than that, I’ve had it all. The shag. The Marcia Brady. Zoe Deschanel’s bangs. The bob. The bob with bangs. The long bob. The asymmetrical bob. The short shag. The bowl. The Rachel. The Ross (just kidding).

My hair has been brown, auburn, blonde, green, red, copper, and for one unfortunate summer, orange. The only two colors I’m afraid to try are platinum blonde (I’m too lazy for that kind of upkeep), and black (because I’m afraid that with my pasty skin and lack of eyebrows it will make me disappear).

My hair isn’t even that bad right now. I’m growing out a haircut I regretted, and I just went back to brown after being red for a few months, so it looks moderately normal.

Now

To answer all your questions: yes I’m really that pale, no I’m not wearing makeup, yes my favorite sweater looks like an item from Bill Cosby’s closet, yes that is a stained glass unicorn in the window, and yes I like to keep my office looking “eclectically busy.”

See? It doesn’t look that bad. I can put it in a ponytail when it annoys me (which is everyday). My husband is thrilled that I’m growing it out. He’s not a Neanderthal that prefers his women to be long-haired blondes barefoot in the kitchen, he just married a girl who had long brown hair for the ENTIRE TEN YEARS they dated, so change is hard for him. The last time I came home with a haircut, his first words to me were, “I hate it.”

Wait, did I just say I had the same haircut for ten years? Natalie, how does that compute when you just said a few paragraphs prior that you had every haircut known to man?

Well, little field mice, both are true. I had every terrible haircut under the sun in my teen years, then suffered from a combination of having one bad haircut too many and no longer being able to afford to go get it cut in my twenties. Heck, I couldn’t even afford a five dollar box of Nice ‘n Easy. So long, brown, straight hair is what I had when I met Mike, when I married Mike, and up until I hacked it off a few months after we got married.

Truthfully, long brown hair is what looks best on me. But I get bored. I get antsy. I think to myself, “Maybe I can finally pull off this wavy chin-length bob,” even though my hair is not wavy.

Then I always regret it, because I don’t like spending more than two minutes on my hair a day. Even when I do bust out a blow dryer or maybe rescue my curling iron from storage, I lack the patience to see a style through to the end. I get halfway done, get frustrated, pin it up and call it a day.

So I’m putting up some pictures to remind myself why I don’t need to do anything at all to my hair except leave it alone.

Bad Bangs

This is what I look like with bangs. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson, but sadly no, this is not the last of my attempts at having bangs.

Terrible Bob

Note the bangs with trapezoidal shoulder length cut, to accentuate my round face. I am thirteen here, not a 40-year-old soccer mom.

Soccer

The first of many shags, unfortunately. I dyed it green not long after this.Terrible Bob 2

This is what happened when I went to the salon and requested a “Drew Barrymore” look. Not quite what I had in mind. And stop pointing out that I was the tallest fourteen year old in the history of the universe.

Terrible Shag

This is what the cut looked like pre-styling, so basically, all the time.

Terrible bob growing out

I had to include this photo. It’s my favorite.

My sophomore photo was so terrible that there is no photographic evidence of it outside of my yearbook, which is in storage in the attic. Instead, I am including this placeholder photo of what my hair looked like at the time.

florence_henderson-300x300

Imagine this in a lovely dirt-brown shade complemented by a corpse-like complexion, and you’ll be pretty close.

Okay

See, here! Here! My hair is okay. Sure I’m growing out a color job, but it looks fine. Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? Sigh. Not long after this photo was taken…

Prom

Junior prom, circa 2000. My date was such a nice guy he didn’t even point out that a mane of tight barrel curls was on its way out. Also, note the repeat of a trapezoidal shape.

After this beauty disaster, I grew out my hair and it didn’t change much for ten years.

Great Hair

If only I could bottle and sell whatever made my hair look this good that day.

That was it. For ten years. Until I got married, got full-time work, and finally had enough money to be “creative” with my hair. “Creative” is code for doing shit to it that should not be done to hair when you have chubby cheeks and a Roman nose.

Thankfully though, I think this slideshow has served its purpose. The existence of zero photos of me when my hair looked bad last year proves that I should leave well enough alone.

Mrs. Brady Photo Source


Comments

Talk Me Out of It — 65 Comments

  1. Solidarity sister! I so relate to your hair angst! I had the same hair- straight as spaghetti – til I started perming it at 15. Ugh! Then kids and the whole texture changed….now I long for that straight hair! Still get bored and need to shake things up every now and then…cut it off a few months ago and now want my old hair back. :-/ It’s a never ending cycle.
    Beduwen recently posted…Five Days in ParadiseMy Profile

  2. I think you should do the Carol Brady look again. : ) Oddly, my junior year photo was the only good school photo I took, but I didn’t buy a yearbook that year. I went back a year after I graduated, and asked the yearbook teacher about it, and he said he had a few blemished books from that year that I could have for free. Ironically, the only flaw in the whole book is that one page, the page my photo is on, is blank. Now my daughters will never know that I once had it going on.
    Chris plumb recently posted…Freeloading Roommates and Dumpster Pizza–Just Another Bachelor StoryMy Profile

    • I’m telling you, the Carol Brady will come back in style one day.
      And your junior photo will have to be the stuff of legend, I guess. Don’t let them forget that you were once a mythical looker.

    • Yeah, I’ve done the self “trim,” which was a disaster. I think the most crazy thing I’ll do right now is perhaps Princess Leia buns? I don’t think I’m emotionally healthy enough to be around scissors.

  3. Oh the junior prom photo. My, you are brave!

    I always hate my hair in the winter. Brown, boring, straight, thin, and alternately plastered to my head or flying away due to the dry air and static electricity. I am always looking for the perfect haircut to save me and give me wavy hair full of body that I never need to style, just wash and go. I know your itch to do SOMETHING but I think you’re right to resist it.
    Ellen recently posted…She Divines WaterMy Profile

    • Yes. I always want full, wavy hair, and no amount of haircutting will transform my hair into anything other than straight. When they invent the wash and go look for straight hair, I will sign right up.

  4. *grinning* You are so funny, AND ballsy to post the “awkward” photos that are actually pretty adorable. Loving your Cosby sweater, btw.

    I agree. I love it long and brown. If you want a change, do long layers around your face do well for you?

  5. DO NOT CUT IT ALL SHORT! Cos I did that. And it was a dizAAAAAAHster. Really, really tera-bad.

    Long is nice on you, but if you’re bored, have you done the whizzy, sharp haircut which works GREAT with straight hair of having it short at the back, then sharply down diagonally to longer bangs in the front?

    I have no idea about hair. My hair lives bundled up on the back of my head, and has done for most of my life because I’m so clueless about it.

    I KNOW!

    Get a hat.
    Considerer recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful #32My Profile

    • Why yes, I have had that haircut. I would do it again, but it requires blow-drying, and I know myself too well.
      And that’s a good idea. I have a jaunty cloche that I think I’ll pull out.

  6. I am old enough to have had both the pixie and the 80s big perm. Plus, I had all variations of short I never intended when it was growing out from the chemo. But now I have boring hair. I like to be able to pull it back when I exercise, so it has to be a certain length. Plus, I can not spend more than 5 minutes styling. Can not. So, not doing anything bold any time soon.
    Stacie recently posted…Comment on Routine Tests by Radiation TherapyMy Profile

  7. Hmmm, as a guy I wouldn’t normally comment on a woman’s hair post, but now that I’m out of the Navy and growing my hair, I’m finally facing the dilemma of how to style it. I want go for the Jesus look. Kellie has vetoed that idea.
    Joe recently posted…Science Is A DragMy Profile

  8. I love the pictorial of your hair styles. Soooo cute. I’m going through the same dilemma right now. I need some shape but I’m growing it out. I won’t spend more than 5 mins styling so, my options are limited. It’s funny the rash of pixie cuts right now. They look fantastic on some people and actually really transform a woman’s look. But I did that in 1990 and probably would not go there again. Show us a pic when you get your cut or color done!
    lisa thomson recently posted…An Ideal Divorce-Is There Such a Thing?My Profile

  9. I am totally hair obsessed and when I get bored I do things that have been disastrous and some things that have luckily worked out. I will not be much help in trying to dissuade you from changing your look, exactly the opposite. I think you would look nice with a short pixie cut with sweeping bangs. But definitely go to someplace like total beauty.com for a virtual makeover first. Those virtual makeovers have gotten me out of a lot of potential pickles.
    dailyshorts recently posted…Reboot β€” Version 20.14My Profile

  10. You’re hair looks great compared to what mine looked like over the years. and I’ve learned my lesson like you have to not bother it when you really feel like you want to. I use to do drastic hair measures when I’d go thru bad break ups. I’ve had my hair fire red. also had it hot pink 2012. then I cut it short and now i’m growing it back out. had it long and it was down my back. now its just below my shoulders.

    pinkowl07.blogspot.com

  11. Natalie, I love that you used your hair as a means of experimentation and expression! At least, that’s one function of hair that I appreciate. I dyed it black the second my mom allowed (when I was 18). What rebellion. Now, it’s super short most of the time, which many people have an opinion about: http://laurenkells.com/2014/01/03/i-like-your-hair-long/

    Yours was the first Moonshine Grid post that I read and it inspired me to choose one about hair, too. Thanks!

  12. What a great photographic journey of you and your hair. I learned that boredom only leads to bad things when it comes to my hair. My hair is straight, thin, long, and brown – except for a silver streak that I don’t color because my grandmother had it. On Christmas Eve, we went to my cousin’s house. I pulled back my hair to show off the streak. In photos, I look like I have a huge bald spot. I am leaving the streak, but I don’t think I’m going to pull my hair back to show it off when there is a camera pointed at me.
    Robin recently posted…A Conflicted WeekMy Profile

  13. Oh, I think I have stumbled into a Chicks Only page. But, I’ll comment anyway. I think you looked great no matter what the style, as I took a walk down your memory lane. I saw a kind of Jody Foster vibe. If you are asking, I’ll put in a vote for red, and yes, the last photo is hot.

    For your next ‘selfie’ be sure to look at the mirror… and lose the sweater.
    tedstrutz recently posted…THE CUBAN DIARYMy Profile

  14. Perm it! Perm it! Perm it!

    No, but for reals, my go-to boredom fix when I don’t want to actually cut off my hair is to either get some side-swiped bangs or highlights…or both. And since you have straight hair, you could have some awesome looking side-swiped bangs!
    Ericamos recently posted…New BeginningsMy Profile

  15. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? I have curly hair and I usually like it, but there are days where I would kill for straight hair. To be able to actually use a brush? I can only imagine. I enjoyed your hair history pictorial, Natalie. And since I’m over a week late on reading this, I’d love to know what you decided to do!
    Dana recently posted…Introducing my love listMy Profile

  16. It has been some time since you originally posted this – what did you do?

    As a guy with curly hair, I’m no stranger to “limited options”. My choices are shaved, buzzed, short & curly, or long & curly. There are no other options so I get where you’re coming from.

    I stumbled in here via a link of a link of a link but you have a great way with words. I’ll be back –
    J. Raven recently posted…Courage on the HillMy Profile

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