Rough Drafts & Neuroses
I have written and trashed two posts today. That makes this post number three. Yep, I am still chugging along, thinking I’m going to get something worthwhile written. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, or why I feel like I NEED to get something up on here, but I have my suspicions…
It’s partly because I don’t like leaving my fiction in the number one slot for too long. I don’t want someone to visit here and think that’s my real life (even if I’ve labeled the post “Fiction” in the title. People are not to be trusted).
It’s also because I’ve been feeling weird lately. No, I’m not coming down sick. I think. No, I hadn’t been able to put my finger on what it is until a few days ago…
This feeling I’ve been experiencing? I think…I think it’s…happiness.
I KNOW. TOTALLY WEIRD, RIGHT???
Or if it’s not happiness per se, then it’s definitely well-being.
WHAT THE EFF, GUYS???
I’m not used to this. I have chronic, low-grade depression, which I’ve just learned to live with, so I’m used to feeling dissatisfied and mildly bummed out. I’m used to strife. I’m used to chaos. I always have something to bitch about. I am used to “powering through” and “making do” and “sucking it up.” I am not used to well-being. And happiness? That’s the relief I’d feel on the drive home from work everyday. It’s never been a sustained experience, at least for more than a few hours at a time (unless I’m wrapped in the cashmere emotional cloak traveling provides).
So of course I freaked out a little when I identified what I was going through, because unfamiliar experiences are always a little uncomfortable at first. Is this the way most people – meaning, those without a mood disorder – feel? I’ve got to be honest, it’s a little strange, feeling so peaceful.
I know exactly what it is, too. It’s no longer trying to squeeze into a role in which I just don’t fit. The heart-clenching anxiety I felt everyday? Gone.
Now I’m a tad worried. What am I going to write about if everything’s okay? Am I cursed to just discard draft after draft of mundanity? Or will I adapt to it, the way I adapted to unwanted dog-ownership? Or worse, will this well-being turn out to be a fleeting experience, like my experiment with vegetarianism?
I guess I can’t worry about it. That would be self-defeating. I’m not going to cling to it, either.
Instead, I’m going to go do the smart thing now. If you need me, I’ll be off enjoying my newfound happiness, for however long it chooses to stay.
This reminds me of something my mom said on my wedding day. She said to me “I have to tell you something!” She was so excited. And I was like “What!? What is it??” And she goes, “Ride the wave. Ride the wave of happiness!” Ride on, girl:)
Pam recently posted…Tough Love
As long as I can! 😉
I am so glad to hear that what ails you is happiness. Congratulations!
“What am I going to write about if everything’s okay?” Haha -I have totally been there. The cool thing is, there’s plenty of shitty, angsty crap from my past to draw from if my happy posts start to feel stale.
Karen recently posted…The Confession
I know! Not a bad diagnosis. 🙂
And you’re right – there’s plenty of crap back there to write about, lol.
Enjoy it while it lasts. And if you really start to miss all that depressive state angst, just call me and I will lend you some of mine, lol.
jacquelinecaseypoetry recently posted…“The Shirt”
Haha, we’ll see how long it lasts… 😉
You sound just like me (which happens a lot, I’ve noticed). I always feel a little off when I feel not quite unhappy or, gasp, happy. I hope the good feelings remain and you learn to work through them and write.
Michelle Longo recently posted…Wellness Wednesday Week 6
It surprised me, because it’s so unfamiliar. I didn’t think it was THAT rare, lol.
I know what you mean about not knowing quite what to do with happiness/well-being when it comes back. It’s a bit like when your foot’s asleep, and feeling starts to return. Can you walk on it yet? What’s the deal?
One part of living with depression is learning to live in the moment…whatever that moment happens to be. Good luck!
Haha! It’s true. And yes, I’m trying to live in the moment, instead of the future (like usual).
Enjoy the happiness while you can. It’s a gift that is usually fleeting.
Lovelyn recently posted…Picture Day
I know. I’m just going with it & trying not to cling too hard.
You go girl!
Beduwen recently posted…Rue de Jean – French Cuisine in Charleston
Fan-bloody-tastic. Enjoy and take full advantage of the happiness.
Also, fiction as ‘maybe reality’ is quite fun – I usually prank people with mine 😉
Considerer recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful #16
I know! I’ve bitten, hook, line and sinker for some of yours! 😉
You gotta jump on that unicorn known as happiness and ride it into contentment-land. It’s funny, though, how happiness can affect our writing styles (because I struggle to write when happy as well). Complaining is easy. Accepting our blessings? Not as easy to pen.
Happy for you.
Chris Plumb recently posted…“The Art of Medicine Consists of Amusing the Patient While Nature Cures the Disease.” –Voltaire
I love the imagery there my friend. I’ve always wanted a unicorn…
Don’t worry, be happy! Right?
Stacie recently posted…Fiction: This Chance
Congratulations on your happiness. It’s true that bad days launch long stories, while good days can be summed up with “Good.” But I don’t think the topics to write about will dry up.
Marcy recently posted…Well, did you ever milk a cow?
I don’t think so either, it’s just me being dramatic. 😉
Funny how happiness rarely happens when we’re striving to make it happen, but more just sort of descends on us when we’re not really paying attention.
The cashmere emotional travelling cloak of happiness.
…….do they come in blue? 🙂
Ken recently posted…#169. or, At The Ocean, Not On The Ocean.
Exactly! It always comes when I’m not looking.
And I’m sure that cloak comes in blue. 😉
Yay for happiness!! Now I’m half-expecting posts that include stories of kittens running through a meadow filled with butterflies and rainbows. Or just kittens. 🙂 Enjoy the ride!
Ericamos recently posted…Why I Should Work With Children
There MAY be some butterfly-kitten-meadow posts in the future…
Samantha Brinn Merel
I say go with it. I’m so glad that you’re happy, and I’ll love reading those words as much as I love reading all of your other words 🙂
Samantha Brinn Merel recently posted…Succot
Wow. Though not in that state at the moment, when it does come along- I feel the same way. I fear it will leave. I fear I don’t know how to live in peace, just chaos. You articulated it so beautifully! Nice job… and sorry I’ve been so MIA with blog reading/commenting. Today I sat down with tea to read my favorites, and you were first on my list 🙂
Julie DeNeen recently posted…Who’s Gonna Take Care of Me?
🙂 Sometimes life takes over. A little internet absence happens to the best of us – we’ve gotta take care of ourselves. Glad you’re back.
Well, no, it won’t last. It can’t. Because being happy all the time is just as hard as being sad all the time. But the great thing about happiness? It’s a lot like herpes. You get it once and then it can flare up later, at any time, forevermore. You can look forward to some intense, some fleeting, some prolonged, some mild happiness outbreaks as the days and weeks and years wear on because now it knows how to get in. So when it does fade away, do not despair because it will be back. It will always be back.
Erica O recently posted…Ghost hunting in The Brown Palace
Hah, I know. And I love the herpes analogy… 🙂