I have written and trashed two posts today. That makes this post number three. Yep, I am still chugging along, thinking I’m going to get something worthwhile written. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, or why I feel like I NEED to get something up on here, but I have my suspicions…

It’s partly because I don’t like leaving my fiction in the number one slot for too long. I don’t want someone to visit here and think that’s my real life (even if I’ve labeled the post “Fiction” in the title. People are not to be trusted).

It’s also because I’ve been feeling weird lately. No, I’m not coming down sick. I think. No, I hadn’t been able to put my finger on what it is until a few days ago…

This feeling I’ve been experiencing? I think…I think it’s…happiness.

I KNOW. TOTALLY WEIRD, RIGHT???

Or if it’s not happiness per se, then it’s definitely well-being.

WHAT THE EFF, GUYS???

I’m not used to this. I have chronic, low-grade depression, which I’ve just learned to live with, so I’m used to feeling dissatisfied and mildly bummed out. I’m used to strife. I’m used to chaos. I always have something to bitch about. I am used to “powering through” and “making do” and “sucking it up.” I am not used to well-being. And happiness? That’s the relief I’d feel on the drive home from work everyday. It’s never been a sustained experience, at least for more than a few hours at a time (unless I’m wrapped in the cashmere emotional cloak traveling provides).

So of course I freaked out a little when I identified what I was going through, because unfamiliar experiences are always a little uncomfortable at first. Is this the way most people – meaning, those without a mood disorder – feel? I’ve got to be honest, it’s a little strange, feeling so peaceful.

I know exactly what it is, too. It’s no longer trying to squeeze into a role in which I just don’t fit. The heart-clenching anxiety I felt everyday? Gone.

Now I’m a tad worried. What am I going to write about if everything’s okay? Am I cursed to just discard draft after draft of mundanity?  Or will I adapt to it, the way I adapted to unwanted dog-ownership? Or worse, will this well-being turn out to be a fleeting experience, like my experiment with vegetarianism?

I guess I can’t worry about it. That would be self-defeating. I’m not going to cling to it, either.

Instead, I’m going to go do the smart thing now. If you need me, I’ll be off enjoying my newfound happiness, for however long it chooses to stay.

Happy

I don’t know what the balloons are for, but they look as happy as I feel.

Photo Source 


Comments

Rough Drafts & Neuroses — 32 Comments

  1. This reminds me of something my mom said on my wedding day. She said to me “I have to tell you something!” She was so excited. And I was like “What!? What is it??” And she goes, “Ride the wave. Ride the wave of happiness!” Ride on, girl:)
    Pam recently posted…Tough LoveMy Profile

  2. I am so glad to hear that what ails you is happiness. Congratulations!

    “What am I going to write about if everything’s okay?” Haha -I have totally been there. The cool thing is, there’s plenty of shitty, angsty crap from my past to draw from if my happy posts start to feel stale.
    Karen recently posted…The ConfessionMy Profile

  3. I know what you mean about not knowing quite what to do with happiness/well-being when it comes back. It’s a bit like when your foot’s asleep, and feeling starts to return. Can you walk on it yet? What’s the deal?

    One part of living with depression is learning to live in the moment…whatever that moment happens to be. Good luck!

    ^K.

  4. Wow. Though not in that state at the moment, when it does come along- I feel the same way. I fear it will leave. I fear I don’t know how to live in peace, just chaos. You articulated it so beautifully! Nice job… and sorry I’ve been so MIA with blog reading/commenting. Today I sat down with tea to read my favorites, and you were first on my list 🙂
    Julie DeNeen recently posted…Who’s Gonna Take Care of Me?My Profile

  5. Well, no, it won’t last. It can’t. Because being happy all the time is just as hard as being sad all the time. But the great thing about happiness? It’s a lot like herpes. You get it once and then it can flare up later, at any time, forevermore. You can look forward to some intense, some fleeting, some prolonged, some mild happiness outbreaks as the days and weeks and years wear on because now it knows how to get in. So when it does fade away, do not despair because it will be back. It will always be back.
    Erica O recently posted…Ghost hunting in The Brown PalaceMy Profile

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