The Bravest Thing I’ve Ever Done
I’m not a terribly brave person. If anything, I’m rather cowardly.
Exhibit A: I flee from confrontation
Exhibit B: The thought of a spider crawling across my arm sends me into apoplectic shock
Exhibit C: A crowded room makes me want to crawl into myself and disappear
Exhibit D: I’m not into extreme sports like cow tipping or, to my husband’s eternal dismay, skydiving
Exhibit E: It took me about a decade of writing experience before I summoned the bravery to share my work with others
That’s a lot of evidence against me, enough for me to write myself off as a cowardly lion, which I’ve always done. But as one of my favorite writers said, “Courage is found in unlikely places.”
Working within this fear-filled framework I have accomplished feats of which I thought myself incapable. After all, everyone knows that bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but the act of proceeding in spite of it.
See, I was born with a piece of me missing; the part of humans that causes them to feel things and not allow the feelings to destroy them. It was too much to bear, the feelings and the being human. They ripped me open and left me bleeding constantly.
Depression from a very young age exacerbated this defect. Once I discovered alcohol, I found the solution to the feelings: kill them all.
With that act of violence against myself, though, came the obliteration of any resemblance to my fellow humans. I killed the good along with the bad.
Thankfully, God offered me a way out, and at least I had enough sense to grab onto it with both hands. I didn’t understand it then, but taking this step was my first act of true bravery.
Going to rehab took courage. Starting my life over with nothing in the face of great obstacles took courage.
It takes courage to simply live without drinking everyday. It takes courage to feel something and not want to smother that feeling with the pleasant haze of booze. It takes courage to put yourself out there to help others, when many are likely judging you because addiction is the ugliest of human maladies. Addiction makes people uncomfortable, makes people misunderstand, makes us give up on each other. It turns people into monsters, relationships into fragmented memories.
I still can’t believe I made it out alive. Even more so, I can’t believe the person I am today. She doesn’t remotely resemble that creature who killed her humanity with substance abuse. Though she still fears what others think about her, she fights through the fear with the satisfaction of knowing she’s doing the best she can just by being herself instead of hiding inside a cocktail (or ten).
It takes courage to be who you are, societal expectations be damned.
So being purely myself, day after bloody hard day: that is the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
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46 Comments
Janine Huldie
Good for you and you should definitely be proud that you made it out the other end of your addictions so much the better for it. I dated someone back in the day, who had both drug and alcohol addictions. He tried rehab a few times and still went back to his previous addictions. I loved him, but eventually I couldn’t stand by and be an enabler. So, I do from this experience first hand how addictions can ruin people and relationships, too. Thank you for sharing this here with us and for linking up again this week!!
Janine Huldie recently posted…Huge One Year Blogiversary Giveaway~The Bravest Thing I Ever Did: FTSF 37
Natalie DeYoung
It is not easy for anyone – the addict or the friends and family. Hopefully, everyone in the situation discovers how to do what’s best for them – like you did. 🙂
Considerer
Natalie, you’re absolutely 100% amazing.
Have you come across the blog ‘Momastery’? The writer, Glennon, is the only other person I’ve come across than you who has written about ‘feeling things too much’ and being destroyed by them. I think she also struggled with alcohol. She writes most beautifully (as do you) and her story might interest you.
I’m so pleased you have been able to be brave, and share your story and your wonderful person through your writing.
Considerer recently posted…7 Quick Takes #46 x FTSF
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. Yes, I read Momastery, and find I relate with her struggles. Her TED Talk also helped me to see my addiction in a different light.
Considerer
She’s wonderful 🙂 Her TED Talks are nothing less than incredible. I’m glad you’ve found her helpful 🙂
Considerer recently posted…7 Quick Takes #46 x FTSF
Chris at Hye Thyme Cafe
Very well said, and something to think about. You always hear “One day at a time” and specifically relate it to the source of the addiction, but it really goes beyond that to “fighting through the fear,” etc. Kudos to your for your accomplishments. And by the way, I’d be OK with a spider, but if it was a roach, you’d have to peel me off the ceiling!! 😉
Chris at Hye Thyme Cafe recently posted…Finish the Sentence Friday: “The bravest thing I’ve ever done…”
Natalie DeYoung
I know, thinking “one day at a time” has saved my life so many times.
And roaches are really gross, too. I always want to bathe in bleach after coming in contact with one.
Chris at Hye Thyme Cafe
I’d be dead if I bathed in bleach after killing one – since I just doused it with an entire can of RAID! Those fumes can be a killer! 😉
Chris at Hye Thyme Cafe recently posted…Finish the Sentence Friday: “The bravest thing I’ve ever done…”
Kristi Campbell
You are so brave. My brother is a recovering alcoholic (sober for 17 years now I think). I know it’s not easy. You wrote about your feelings and courage so beautifully. I commend you for not only coming out of your entire experience alive, but for being able to share it so eloquently. Thank you for that.
Kristi Campbell recently posted…Bravery and Winners Announcement
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. I feel very, very lucky to have made it out alive. Not everyone does.
Betsy @ Desserts Required
Thank you for sharing your journey to sobriety. Good for you and keep writing and sharing. You have a lot to say!
Natalie DeYoung
I do. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever run out of stuff…
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha
{I too freak out about spiders or any type of creepy-crawly}. You are so brave…. I think it is so hard for people in our society to admit addiction, so I applaud you for sharing your story so honestly and openly. I love how you describe that it is brave not just to get help, but to live without drinking every day. I guess I’ve always thought about getting help as the brave step, but you’ve made me see it as an every day act of courage. So beautifully written.
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha recently posted…Bravery and Desire: Wisdom from Pink and the Buddha
Natalie DeYoung
It was really hard to admit. I like to be strong, and I like people to think I’m tough. Admitting my frailty was HARD.
Sarah
Wow! I am super impressed with your post and with you! I was going to recommend Momastery, too, but I see it has already been done and wasn’t even needed. 🙂
Sarah recently posted…The bravest thing I ever did…
Natalie DeYoung
Thanks! 🙂
Dana
This was a beautiful and honest post, Natalie. Except the first sentence is wrong. You *are* a terribly brave person. You are being yourself and you are living sober; that is terribly, wonderfully brave.
Dana recently posted…Brave for you
Natalie DeYoung
Haha, thank you. It’s funny, I never think of myself that way…
Christine Organ
Very brave indeed. What a beautiful, honest and BRAVE post. I admire your courage and strength, and I’m thankful for your words.
Christine Organ recently posted…Vulnerability and Awesomeness
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Christine. It’s not easy to put it all out there like that…
Karen
This is beautiful, Natalie. Thank you for sharing your journey(and yourself)with us.
Karen recently posted…Murder By Proxy and Other Transgressions of a Bad Buddhist
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. I think sharing brings us together.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real.
That is an amazing story, Natalie. I had all these smart-ass things to write about us having things in common in terms of a lack of courage, how much I freak out over bugs, and how much you would have hated the crowded school BBQ I attended tonight (as I very much hated it…)
And then I kept reading and was rendered speechless. True bravery. That’s what you illustrated with this post. You astonish me.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. recently posted…Surviving A Rough Pregnancy
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. It’s not easy.
And that BBQ sounds awful. Ugh. 😉
Kristin
It truly is baby steps, and not “beating yourself up” about missteps. Sharing publicly is one safety net that not everyone chooses, and I hope it helps you!
Kristin recently posted…Glad I Saw It: Lawn Chairs
Natalie DeYoung
It does help – no going back after being so public about it, lol. 🙂
Marcy
Congratulations on your sobriety. I so agree with what you said about bravery, that it “isn’t the absence of fear, but the act of proceeding in spite of it.”
Marcy recently posted…10th Quarterly Report: 101 Things in 1001 Days
Natalie DeYoung
Yep. If bravery were easy, everyone would practice it.
angila clow
Natalie, thank you for your story. I come from a family of addicts (to different things)and I admire the bravery to speak so personally about your experience. peace
angila clow recently posted…How to Give a Common Woman Oscar Speech
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. I hope it helps people feel less alone.
Chris plumb
I agree on almost all the fears, although as I age (and teach longer), the fear of public speaking/introversion is dying away.
Another beautiful post. The feelings paragraph should be required reading in HS.
Chris plumb recently posted…The Problem with Opening Sentences—A Moron’s Perspective.
Natalie DeYoung
Yeah, maybe it would scare kids into using alcohol responsibly…lol, maybe not.
TriGirl
You are right; it does take courage to move forward despite your fears and you are doing it beautifully! I’ve found myself doing the same over the last few years and it is so worth it. I wish I could have learned this years ago.
TriGirl recently posted…Is It Reefer Madness?? No, It’s TAPER Madness!!
Natalie DeYoung
I know! It would have made the journey much more smooth.
Ilene
It’s super super hard to live without our masks, whether that mask is an attitude we’ve adopted or alcohol. And addiction is so misunderstood. Your true friends are the ones who will get it or even the ones who won’t get it and love you anyway.
Ilene recently posted…Modern Family
Natalie DeYoung
It is, it really is. But it’s so much more gratifying to live without them.
Tamara T.
Just wanted to say that I am so glad to have found your blog all those months ago. You inspire and encourage me. You have a beautiful gift and a rare strength. Don’t ever give up, God has great things in store for you. 🙂
Tamara T. recently posted…Friday Funnies
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you so much, Tamara. That’s all I hope for.
Ken
Despite what you might say, you sound like you might be one of the bravest people I know. Well, as much as we can know these bloggy acquaintances we have. 🙂
Ken recently posted…#170. or, How’s it Going? It’s……going.
Natalie DeYoung
I know! Sometimes though I feel like I know blog friends better than people in real life. There’s such a level of vulnerability that’s usually absent in day to day.
And thank you.
LaTonya
Hello fellow friend of Bill. It takes courage and faith, faith in something we’re not sure of but we’re so damn desperate, we believe.
LaTonya recently posted…Honey Sweet
Natalie DeYoung
Yep. That desperation has saved me.
Jack
Your bravery sharing this story will help others. That is worth a lot.
Jack recently posted…She Died In My Arms
Natalie DeYoung
Let’s hope so.
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