A Trip to the Hospital
“I’m okay,” I said, taking a gulping breath.
The counselor tilted her head slightly, looking at me quizzically. “Are you sure? You look like you’re having trouble breathing.”
“Yes,” I said. I took another gulping breath.
“Well, okay then. Let me know if you want me to take you to the clinic.”
I nodded. I couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. I’d never had insurance – preexisting conditions, you know. It was probably just a bad case of bronchitis, but luckily I could go to an online Canadian Pharmacy to find medicines for this. I could live with that.
May,* the head counselor of the women, continued to lead the three of us in step study. The newest group of girls at the Ranch, we were still only on step one. As much as I tried to listen, I couldn’t focus on anything but pulling in enough air.
Afterwards, I went upstairs to lie down. I’d been up all night coughing, and cough syrup wasn’t allowed at the Ranch because of the alcohol content. Being on my back for about five minutes, I discovered, made the coughing worse – my chest rattled, my breathing grew soupy. I tried to think about my options, but everything in the room swam about as I focused on air in, air out. Can’t go to the doctor. Can’t pay for it.
Cough, cough.
Pretty soon I started quaking, alternately shivering and twitching as my muscles and lungs told me hospital. Hospital. I heard whispers in the hall, girls talking on the phone
No, she didn’t make it down to dinner…yeah she doesn’t look good.
An hour later, Jen brought in a grocery bag. “May got you some soup. You’ve got to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” I muttered, but then tried to eat some anyway because it was such a thoughtful gesture.
Almost immediately, the soup gurgled in my stomach and I covered my mouth, hurrying to the bathroom and collapsing in front of the toilet. Up it all came.
Wheeze. Air in. Air out.
Far away, as I continued vomiting, I heard Marissa knocking on the door. “Nat? Are you okay?”
“No” I croaked.
Air in. Air out.
She poked her head in. “May is downstairs. She’s going to take you to the hospital.”
“Okay.” I turned and vomited again, gasping for air afterward. “Get…trash bags…” I wheezed.
Marissa and Jen helped me down the stairs, where I promptly vomited in the flower bed outside.
“I’m so…sorry,” I cried. I had failed. I had failed at staying in rehab. I had failed to not get sick, and I had vomited and someone would have to clean up after me. “I don’t want…to be sick.”
Marissa and Jen buckled me in, and I shoved them away as more vomit came spewing out of me, on the pavement. Now I was alternately weeping and gasping and wailing.
“Natalie, what’s wrong? I’m taking you to the hospital, okay?” May stated in her direct way.
“I don’t…have…insurance…I can’t…get sick…”
“Honey, the hospital has to take you. Don’t think about it, okay? Don’t worry.”
Don’t think about it, I let her convince me, willing myself to not vomit in her car.
Don’t think about it, I thought, gasping as they wheeled me into the ICU.
Don’t think about it. I passed out to the sound of monitors beeping, doctors directing orders to each other, putting the oxygen mask on me.
“Okay Natalie, breath in, breath out…”
– – –
*All names have been changed
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49 Comments
Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain's Wife
As someone with really bad asthma, just reading this made me grab an inhaler. Hope you got better!!
Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife recently posted…My Fresh Obsesh
Natalie DeYoung
I did. I’m thinking of making it a two-parter, writing the rest in a follow-up post.
Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain's Wife
Do for sure, I want all the story!
Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain’s Wife recently posted…My Fresh Obsesh
that cynking feeling
Yes, you have to finish this story. I’m all jittery worrying about what happened. Okay, I maybe shouldn’t have drank coffee today, and obviously you made it because you are writing about it, but I still can’t wait to read more.
that cynking feeling recently posted…Party on, Philip
Natalie DeYoung
I know. It’s cruel to leave it like this…especially since this is only the beginning…
sarah
please write part 2!
sarah recently posted…Arabesque
Natalie DeYoung
Will do!
Mamarific
Truly sad that you were that sick and had the added worry of health insurance. I definitely want to hear how this turned out!
Mamarific recently posted…Beyond the Black Celebration
Natalie DeYoung
Looking back, it makes me both sad and angry that those in the worst of circumstances have to go through that.
Chris Plumb
Yeah, post the follow up. (Me thinks my hospital/doctor rant inspired this).
Yet again, your writing is top notch. I pray your other writing venture pays dividends, because you deserve it.
Chris Plumb recently posted…Stop Spamming Me India, and Get Your Own Job!
Natalie DeYoung
I’ve been thinking a lot about healthcare lately, and I seem run into it everywhere, your post included.
I actually wasn’t even going to write about it today – I just sat down and it wrote itself. It seems timely, what with the impending gov’t shutdown over the whole thing…
Marcy
You did a great job capturing the conflict of not being able to afford the hospital. It was really heartbreaking. I’d like to hear the rest as well.
Marcy recently posted…From Home Depot to Pulp Fiction
Natalie DeYoung
I can’t believe I was thinking so much about it at the time, that I jeopardized my health over not being able to pay for it.
Zoe
Oh Nat. you commented on my insurance conundrum recently and I totally understand your conflict here. I have decided never again will money be the issue with my health care. Not because I can afford it, but because it just shouldn’t happen like this. You did a great job on this post… I have to say I was and still am a bit anxious after the read…I think I may be breathing a bit more deeply!
Natalie DeYoung
I know, me too. I was scared, and younger then. I don’t think people know that insurance isn’t always an option for people…
christina
ugh sounds so scary. glad you got to the hospital though.
christina recently posted…the interview
Natalie DeYoung
Me too. It was terrifying.
William Dameron
Unable to afford insurance, in rehab and a trip to the hospital. You captured so much emotion in so few words. Scary stuff expertly told. I have taken Paul to the hospital several times because his asthma was so bad he could not breathe. Every time, it is terrifying.
William Dameron recently posted…Comparing Yourself to Others: The Game Nobody Wins
Natalie DeYoung
It was hard to keep it under the word limit – it was a larger than life experience.
Linda Roy
The healthcare system…it just what can I say?…saddens, angers, frustrates me?! That you had to stop and think about that when you were going through so much? That so many people have to do the same? That when my son was diagnosed, the diagnosis was horrible and then “oh yeah…and how are we going to pay for it?” Thank God they had to take you and thank god we got state assistance. Thank God. But healthcare aside, the way your friends and fellow patients at rehab took care of you – rallied around you – that’s beautiful stuff. And I’m so sorry you went through that and so glad you came out of it. Hugs to you, my friend. xoxo
Linda Roy recently posted…Knee Deep In the Poop-la: One Mother’s Harrowing Story
Natalie DeYoung
I know. It makes me mad that on top of everything else, I had to worry about that. Thank God, THANK GOD your son could receive care without it breaking you financially.
Yes, the people at the Ranch were amazingly supportive. They even rallied around and sent a card & care package, these people who had nothing. It was like family.
Karen
Natalie, this is really well written.
The no insurance thing is.so.wrong. I too, have lived with than quandary off and on for most of my adult life, and it totally sucks. Poor people aren’t allowed to get sick : (
I like the idea of a follow-up post.
Karen recently posted…Murder By Proxy and Other Transgressions of a Bad Buddhist
Natalie DeYoung
I know, my entire adult life I worked whether I was sick or not, and only went to the doctor in emergencies. On top of being poor, I couldn’t get coverage even if I could afford it – no one would insure me because of past health problems. The whole thing is sick.
Ilene
My heart breaks when I hear stories like this or when I hear about a little boy dying in the midwest due to a tooth infection and an insurance conundrum. I’m glad you went to the hospital.
Ilene recently posted…Modern Family
Natalie DeYoung
I know. There are far too many of these stories.
Mary @ A Teachable Mom
Thank god you went to the hospital! This is staggeringly scary stuff and you’re a brave woman to let the people at the Ranch take care of you. I can breathe again now. I’m happy you can too!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted…Blood Test
Natalie DeYoung
It was pretty terrifying, life and death stuff, and I knew it.
Considerer
Harrowing! I definitely want to hear the rest!
Natalie DeYoung
I’ll work on it…
Christine Organ
Wah! What happened next?!?! I hope that they took good care of you at the hospital.
Christine Organ recently posted…Far More Beautiful
Natalie DeYoung
I’ll let you know…
Gina
So I understand you will tell us the rest. Yes! My heart was pounding for you. There is nothing like not being able to breath. You told this scary story very well.
Gina recently posted…Trifecta: The Stench
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you.
Stacie
Oh honey! I’m so glad you are ok now and writing so awesomely about it. But what an awful experience to be sick and not have insurance and probably getting judged b/c of rehab. Kudos for getting through that dark tunnel!
Stacie recently posted…Fiction: This Chance
Natalie DeYoung
Oh yes, it was a perfect storm of a bad situation. I think I’d been sober just two weeks…
Erica O
Ugh, just reading this made it hard for me to breathe…both because of insurance anxiety and because of bronchitis and pneumonia. Ack.
But…you obviously survived and made it all the way through and there’s a happy ending because I saw the picture that just came in the mail, so…
Still. I hope you do write the follow up.
Erica O recently posted…Ghost hunting in The Brown Palace
Natalie DeYoung
Yes, because it definitely did not end there!
gem
Eek. I have asthma and get bronchitus frequently. Never been hospitalized, but that is a big “yet”. So glad you survived!
gem recently posted…can’t find it in the self help section
Natalie DeYoung
It was worse than I thought. Ugh. Glad you never had to go through that.
Christie
Oh, I’m definitely going to need a follow-up. I love the shout out to step one and am glad this worked out ok. I was on the edge of my seat. For real.
Christie recently posted…The “F” Word Can Suck It
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Christie. Follow-up to come.
Laura@EmptySpoonful
After reading this I feel like I’m sitting in the ICU waiting room on the edge of my seat waiting for an update from the doctors. This is a powerful piece. Not only am I glad to hear that you’re going to finish the story but I’m thrilled you’re ok!
Laura@EmptySpoonful recently posted…A Lesson Learned the Hard Way
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you; what a compliment!
Beth Teliho
Awesome post. So well done. Sucks you had to go through that….that anyone has to go through that. I remember the days…UGH. No insurance sucks balls. It’s so scary. I’m beyond grateful for it now, but ever so aware that not everyone has that luxury.
Looking forward to your follow up post!
Beth Teliho recently posted…Oh, Look…A Squirrel…
Natalie DeYoung
I know. It was terrifying, to live that way.
TMW Hickman
It is that fear of being unable to pay that keeps people away when it is an emergency, and that is when it is often most important. I hope that you made it to the hospital without hurling in the car!
TMW Hickman recently posted…Cringe-worthy
Natalie DeYoung
I know. And yes, I make it without hurling in the car, but did so several more times once I got to the hospital…
Samantha Brinn Merel
Yikes, please write a follow-up! I know this happened in the past, but when I was reading it I was worrying about you like it was happening in real time.
Samantha Brinn Merel recently posted…Circling For a Landing
Natalie DeYoung
Follow up to come!