I’m Going to Talk About Suicide — 25 Comments

  1. My heart was empathetically heavy reading this. That dark haze you describe is almost tangible for me. I have battled with it since I was very young too. Commenting on this is tough for me because short of the scripted shit I know you (and I) have heard hundreds of times, there isn’t much one can say. I’ll just say I’m sorry you have to muddle through the shit. It’s hard and it sucks. And you’re not alone. I have to say thank you too. Not too many people are willing to talk about this so candidly. …When people actually do, it gives the rest of us just a little piece of hope.
    Dawn recently posted…Why I Effing Love the F bomb.My Profile

  2. What can I say.. what can i say? I’m grateful you didn’t take that plunge. Grateful that you are still here gracing us with your words, lifting our blogging spirits, and being a bad ass yeah write editor. I wonder if we all go down that road at one time or another. I’ve had that tendency myself before–moons ago.

    Tomorrow will be a better day. And right now isn’t so bad. Chin up and listen to happy stuff! xo
    Jen Brunett recently posted…Top Five Places You Would Rather Be: RIGHT NOWMy Profile

  3. Oh Cat Lady, oh Natalie…a long time ago this would’ve made me upset. I hate the S. word, as it was too close to home with the people who I knew who used it (or threatened to use it). Some of those people never truly saw how us “outsiders” saw them. They were isolated in their own mind, and couldn’t allow the love, respect, friendship and admiration we offered them.

    I also know, now, that brains are complex things, and don’t always work the way we want them to. Sometimes medications help, sometimes not.

    But hope? Optimism, that’s what keeps good artists creating. Tomorrow may be your masterpiece, tomorrow may be your Jane Austin moment. And we, the outsiders, want that. We need that from you. And not just because we know the talent that resides inside you, but because we are invested. We want you to succeed. But more importantly, we want you to be happy.

    I’ll pray, not as a judgement, or as a way to break through the black fog, but because it is my duty as a believer and friend.
    Chris Plumb recently posted…15 Best Non-Verbal Disney MomentsMy Profile

  4. Man oh man….
    We sure have a lot in common my dear! We must be “Kindred Spirits” as I battled the same issues, failed at Suicide twice, and got hooked into gambling addiction and a wee to many cocktails when I gambled. 2 Mental black outs with the suicide attempts, in a crisis center twice…..

    Thank goodness for Recovery!! It has been 7yrs now in recovery, and I now know that GOD was with me each step of the way to show me my real purpose in life. It’s why I’m still here! I still battle mental illness & disorders, but went undiagnosed for years since a kid. I wish you much LOVE & SUPPORT in your journey….ODAAT!
    *Catherine* 🙂
    Author Catherine Lyon recently posted…“Another Mental Illness Shooting At Fort Hood”…REALLY?My Profile

  5. oh my god. i want to cuddle you up and spoon feed you ice cream, and i’m also afraid to say the wrong thing. i am so sorry for that horrible blackness. i understand only as an outsider but as someone with a addicted, at times, suicidal, chronically depressed and in pain parent. it is so awful. i know that life is so not easy, but please hold on to your child’s heart. it’s true. tomorrow could be a better day, a happy ending, a really good laugh. it’s all waiting. it really is. you’re so brave. xoxox
    Ice Scream Mama recently posted…Not playing is hard workMy Profile

  6. Thank you for letting me read this. The more I see your child-like heart, the more I admire who you are.

    We have similar experiences. I woke up on my 27th birthday on the 4th day of a bender.

    Remember this post of mine:

    I let people read into what they want, but I intentionally left out that I went to the Keys on Thanksgiving 2007 to not come back.

    I think Kurt was selfish because his talent was so immense and I miss him. It’s a different kind of selfish.

    I appreciate you for putting this post “out there”. Therapy and rehab makes folks like us just tell things. I want you to know I’m here to listen.
    Lance recently posted…Drain YouMy Profile

  7. Somehow I think that most creative people flirt with the idea of suicide at some point. I know I have, and I know so many others that have, too. It’s that deep, seemingly bottomless well of FEELING that overwhelms us, but that is also the very thing that feeds our creativity. Hang in there my friend. You are touching many people. Hugs to you!
    Beduwen recently posted…Wine Tasting in Paso Robles Part 2My Profile

  8. Natalie – This kind of honesty in your writing is exactly why I said you were inspirational in response to your comment the other day about Judith. I hope that sharing your stories helps you work through the struggles you’ve endured and continue to face, and I pray that the optimist in you wins out every day.
    Kim at Awkward Laughter recently posted…April FoolishnessMy Profile

  9. So well written. It’s that. It’s exactly that. And I needed this today. To remember that I’m not alone…that *we’re* not alone.

    I’m so glad that you are staying optimistic. Like Chris said, you have so much to offer. I love your writing so hard, and I’m looking forward to what you will create in the future.

    Love you, girl!
    Ericamos recently posted…New BeginningsMy Profile

  10. No. It’s always selfish, unless you are utterly alone – a tree falling in the woods with no-one to hear it. But from within that darkness, you are dealing with a deeply twisted rationale, from which there is only one logical conclusion.

    I’ve lived both sides of it.

    Neither is pretty.

    I was saved only by a lack of strength within my own character to do it, and so I live, knowing that I am weak.

    He was saved, only by knowing I needed him at that crucial moment, and he bore a responsibility to me.

    And then I’m not sure what saved the pair of us, but it involved a lot of apathy and twisted reason on his part, and much anger and stubbornness on mine. And we’re getting through it now, but living it is awful. Awful.

    And it’s so impossible to fight.

    Because the truths of our world – that you’re a valuable, wonderful woman, with an incredible talent and a poet’s heart, who (if life were less unfair) would spend each day in gainful employment and still writing to cause our hearts to dance – are incomprehensible to the point of irrelevance when you’re down there in the Abyss.

    But you have your child’s heart.

    And you know you’ve made it out before.

    In two weeks’ time, you’ll be 14 days past this feeling. And in the meantime:
    Considerer recently posted…Ten Things of Thankful #42 (A-Z April: Editorial)My Profile

  11. In my 20s I often wished something would happen, some accident or other, to keep me from having to wake up and face another day where I hated my life. I knew I would never have the guts to commit suicide but I believed everyone would be better off without me. I got through it by distancing myself from everything I cared about. I stopped thinking I was somehow special and meant for better things and just existed.

    I used to think people who were able to kill themselves were really justified and anyone who thought they were selfish just didn’t know that level of pain. Now that I have kids of my own I don’t see it that way. You can be in the blackest place but killing yourself only spreads that blackness into the hearts of everyone who loves you. You won’t feel it anymore but they will, forever.
    Ellen recently posted…See No EvilMy Profile

  12. You are amazingly courageous in your writing always but especially this one. Telling yourself and your readers your hard truth takes guts and balls both of which you have. I’m sorry for your struggle. Sharing your truth will certainly help others. I remember the news when Kurt Cobain took his own life. I was so troubled by it. I was 29 with a 1 year old baby. I should not have related to Nirvana at my age but their music struck a chord. My nephew had attempted suicide at that time and I felt helpless. Hang in there.
    lisa thomson-The Great Escape… recently posted…Telling Your Kids About Your Divorce-Don’t Make These MistakesMy Profile

  13. Oh, Natalie, this is such a brave post. I like to think that when I’m brave enough to write something difficult and share it, that thing can never hurt me again. I hope you feel the same way. Yay for optimism!
    Christi @ EditMoi recently posted…DistilledMy Profile

  14. I just want to hug you and I’m not sure what to say, but I do know that there ARE such things are happy endings, don’t ever let anyone tell you that there aren’t. Just keep holding on to that, and I know that for you, there are brighter and happier days again. Thinking of you, friend.
    Samantha Brinn Merel recently posted…Memories of a 24 MarathonMy Profile

  15. Natalie, this is the first time I’ve visited your site, and I’m just blown away by your courage to speak your truth. Suicide is like the penthouse suite in the taboo mental illness topics apartment building. You’re doing a great thing by sharing your story, and may your child’s heart always, always see you through the dark days.
    Laura Zera recently posted…Secrets Revealed: My Interview for Lorna SuzukiMy Profile

  16. You know what keeps me going? I don’t want anyone to find me dead. I know that whenever I die they’ll find me dead, but I have no right to cause that. I’ve found too many people dead. I don’t care what my specific black mist might have to say, it’s not more powerful than memory of finding someone else.

  17. Natalie,
    I read this the other day and was at a loss for words. I’m still not sure what to say. I suffer depression, but I’ve never had suicidal or self-harming tendencies, but I can certainly understand why those who have them do.

    I’m happy that you’re being treated and seem (from what I can gather) to be doing well. ((hugs))
    Twindaddy recently posted…Locked In… EpilogueMy Profile

  18. Holy shit balls, this post made me cry. Thoughts of suicide are so hard to digest inside one’s own skull and skin, and then, to try to put them on the outside, for others to see….that takes courage, or….well, I’m not sure. I’m sure that I’m appreciative that you did. I too, come to the thought that tomorrow might be better. Here’s to tomorrow.

  19. Holy shit balls, this post made me cry. It is so hard to talk about suicide inside one’s own skull and soul, and it takes something else to talk about it outside of those…to others. Courage, or something akin. I too came to the thought that tomorrow might be better. Luckily, like you, I come to that thought over and over. Here’s to tomorrow. Thanks for writing.
    Naima recently posted…Trees or Convenience? We chooseMy Profile

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