I Am Ironman. I Mean Woman. Ironwoman.

Maybe you can’t tell from this blog, but like most suburban white ladies with an inferiority complex and five (okay, okay, ten) extra pounds hanging around her hips, I have moments of extreme insecurity. Most of the time I’m your average smart-ass who could give a crap about what you think of me. Those are the days when I confidently sport my Unicorn Success T-shirt and fail to put in my contact lenses, in case you’re wondering. However, there is a chink in this armor that gets breached once in a while.

In my short career as a blogger, I’m starting to notice a pattern. About once a month (usually coinciding with Mercury in retrograde, oddly enough) as I make my daily circuit through fellow bloggers’ new material, I’ll find reasons to feel insecure and left out. I am not funny enough. I am not unique enough. NO ONE LOVES ME. Whether it’s glancing through a blogroll and noticing that I may not be on it despite being a devoted fan/comrade/peer/shrink, or worse, discovering that someone who used to frequent my blog no longer cares for me, I’ll find some reason to feel alienated and *gulp,* unpopular.

Then I go emotionally eat the Cinnabons someone at work left out on the kitchen counter.

On these days I feel like I don’t quite fit in the blogging world, and because I definitely don’t fit in the real world, this makes me teary-eyed and ready to hang up the pity-party streamers and speed-dial the local Yogurtland.

Yogurtland should really deliver.

I could go into old childhood wounds and how they shaped me as a woman blah blah, but let me just show you this picture instead:

Dawn Wiener. That’s all that need be said.

Every woman (at least those who grew up with Welcome to the Dollhouse) knows this teenage girl who is homely, rejected by everyone, and basically a miserable outcast who just wants people to like her. Because every woman has some version of Dawn Wiener inside her. *Sniff*

Seeing as I have the added bonus of having lived with depression since I was old enough to manifest hypochondriatic illness, I have gathered a few tools for dealing with these tempting opportunities to delve deeper into pain and social pariah-dom. When I get into these funks, which are precursors to a depressive episode, I immediately seek out the help I know I need. Lord knows I tried booze and that didn’t work.

The Empress over at Good Day, Regular People taught me a lesson or two I’ll never forget, and every time I have a mini-breakdown over a blogging failure, I go over and reread those posts. That helps keep me in check. Because apparently not everything is about me. I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE PIONEER WOMAN.

While I’m sharing all my depression-fighting techniques, this from Havi at The Fluent Self also helps put me back to center. Because I am emotionally constipated.

*Deep breaths.* Not everyone is going to be over the moon for me. Not everyone is going to love what I write so much they will want to adopt it and nourish it and call it their sweet baby. That’s okay.

I am me, for better or worse.

If you don’t like it, well then you can suck it.

As the guru says:

“I mean Led Zeppelin didn’t write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.”

Yes, Wayne is my guru. How is he any different from the Dalai Lama or Oprah?

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Comments

I Am Ironman. I Mean Woman. Ironwoman. — 15 Comments

  1. Well, I like your writing! And I can relate. Lately I have been way to concerned with my page views. This has got to stop. Yes, I want people to read my blog, but obsessing over the fact that my page views only went up by 3 overnight isn’t healthy. So, yeah. I get it.I’ll make you a deal, you keep writing and I’ll keep dropping by to read your words, okay?
    :-)

  2. Aw, you don’t have to feel that way at all! I love your blog and always get excited when I see an update. I completely get where you’re coming from though, as those same doubts and insecurities seep in to my head too. I’m gonna have to check out those links you put that makes you feel better. Whatever you do, keep writing!

    • I should call it Mild Periodic Social Paranoia (MPSP). It doesn’t happen very often – I totally blame it on Mercury in retrograde, because it’s not based on anything rational. I also know I’m not the only one, so I’m hoping the tips help! :) Putting ourselves out there leaves one…vulnerable, lol.
      And thanks for the encouragement!

  3. I agree with all of the above comments. Yours is one of the few blogs I actually specifically check, but I totally relate to the feeling of not fitting in, even in the blogosphere. I check my stats too much and feel sad when it doesn’t appear that anyone in the entire universe cares about what I’ve taken the time to share. I’m going to check out the links you posted to see if there’s anything there for me, too :)

    Keep writing – we’d miss it if you didn’t!

    • Yea, people like me shouldn’t be allowed to have stats. I just want everyone to be friends and to like me! Aaaand…we’re back in high school. Seriously, it only happens when the universe emits funky vibes and I’m extra vulnerable. I should probably go to therapy for it. Most of the time though, I really don’t care. I think it’s something most writers go though.

  4. Your blog is one of my favorites to read. Some blogs are mo’ flashy, yes, and have meme-able items that can be passed around the internets from one ADD spaz to another, but I like yours because it has substance.
    I used to pay attention to page views on my work blog (not Ramble, cause I only have like 20 readers for that, lol), but now I’m like shrug, I’m just going to write what I like. Some people will identify with it and some people won’t, but it’s better than being someone I’m not and getting the wrong audience.

    • Amen! What I like best about this enterprise is the community. I’ve made actual friends through this, which I didn’t exactly expect. I think that’s why I likened it a bit to being a teenager – you’re out there at your awkwardest, letting it all hang out, and people either like you or not, and sometimes you get bruised.
      And thank you for the kind words. Like I said – I’m just being me. ;)

  5. If I were a publisher, which I’m not, your writing is exactly what I would want in a book. Honesty combined with masterful use of the English language. Who cares what blogs are popular, most of them are crap. But honesty eventually wins out. I only discovered your blog about three weeks ago, and I’ve gone back are read much of it. Blown away. Not because you have amazing stories, but because you have amazing voice/prose. I don’t often get jealous of another’s style, but yours is better than mine, and thousands of others I’ve seen with better “stats.”

  6. Aw, I’m glad I circled back around to posts I missed while bein’ busy….and this is gonna get cheesy but e-hugs coming your way!! I love your writing and there are so many people who would too but just haven’t heard of you yet!

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