My First Publication: Huffington Post!
For those not following me on social media, you may not have heard me screaming about my article featured in the Huffington Post today. Let me just tell you, it was so hard to send the email submitting that story. I sat at my computer for about two hours, editing and re-editing everything, asking my cat, “Should I send it?”; yelling to Mike from my office, “I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do it.” I finally got over myself, held my breath, and clicked “send.” I have struggled to articulate this complex story for months now. My relationship with my ex, alcohol, has many moving parts, many explanations,…
Hibernation Mode
After the last few weeks of gut-wrenching mental torment and the emotional agony of the healing process, things around here have been…well, restful. Imagine that; not overworking or doing, doing, doing? Yeah, I didn’t know what that looked like, either. In thinking about blog topics for today, I sifted through my usual list of grievances, both against humanity and myself. I considered what was going on in life, little anecdotes about my days or with what exactly I’ve filled them. Truthfully though, my time has been passing with very little to distinguish one day from the other. I have been napping a lot lately, not exercising as intensely as usual,…
Revisiting
One block away from the gate, my heart started fluttering. “What if they don’t let me in?” I asked, fiddling with the straw in my iced coffee. “They may not remember me. I mean, it’s been three years. Everyone I know may be gone.” Mike rolled down his window as we approached. “Don’t worry about it hon, you’ll be fine.” I knew he was right. What was the worst they could do, turn us away? I swallowed the golf ball of fear in my throat and leaned across to talk out the driver’s side window. “Hi, I’m alumni. I was here about three years ago. We’re just here for a…
Raw
I had grand plans for today. I was going to spend the majority of the day putting some profound emotional baggage behind me. This is known in A.A. speak as Step Five. Then I was going to write an amazing story and post it here. Then I was going to make a delicious, moderately nutritious dinner for myself and my husband. Because I am super-woman. Or at least, I try to be like her. – – – Instead, I got home late after a draining day. Good progress made on the healing front, but repairing the soul is uncomfortable, to say the least. Digging at wounds and flaws, rooting out…
The Hard
I am struggling lately. This season of difficulty was not entirely brought on by external factors, though. Life is pretty okay in that regard: no one is sick, my family is on good terms with each other, Mike and I have stable jobs in an unstable economy. It’s not spectacular, but I honestly don’t have much to complain about when it comes to basic necessities. No, this is an internal struggle. Part of recovering from addiction is learning to deal with yourself, as the addict masks their humanity with drugs or alcohol. No icky feelings, no managing fears, no confronting the shame accumulated over a lifetime of being human –…
How to Know if You Have a Problem
Thanks to my rather public relationship with alcohol, I get quite a few people asking me, “how do you know if you have a drinking problem?” I am not an expert on the subject, but I do have a little experience with this question. In fact, it took six months of ignoring it and six more months of wrestling with it before I finally came to a reasonable conclusion, and here sits the well-adjusted individual I am today. Ha. I’ve made a list of items that might indicate you have a problem with alcohol, because lists you can check off are helpful. They are also convenient for handing to relatives…
When I Go There Now
The air felt thickly liquid and smelled so cloying I could hardly stand it. I felt like I could become intoxicated just from breathing the sticky-sweet air. Funny how I had never noticed the odor before. Everyone in the room clutched frosty glasses of beer, with the occasional glass of red wine. You didn’t come here for the wine, though – you came to this hole-in-the-wall on the pier for the beer. You could choose from 88 kinds on tap if you didn’t fancy the hundreds of bottled craft brews. A veritable rainbow of alcoholic colors filled the glasses around the room, from honey to wheat to washed-up-on-the-beach tar, for the…
I am a Rock, I am an Island
My lovely sponsor (yes, I do have one of those) has pointed out to me that I do not reach out to people nearly enough. Apparently, this is a key characteristic of the alcoholic as a species. And I thought it was just me (another quality of the alcoholic). I have always been a loner, and I do not reach out for help, ever. NEVER-EVER. That’s part of what got me into trouble in the first place with my drinking; when I couldn’t handle anymore pressure, I did not reach out. I internalized. I didn’t want to bother you. It was me and a bottle of whatever was handy. Taking…
On the Porch
I am sitting on the porch after a full day of work, the afternoon painfully hot but tickled by a refreshing breeze, which makes the heat tolerable. It is shady back here, too. The porch is on the second story, lending it the feel of a tree house enclosed by a veil of greenery. All the other women are inside watching TV, but I like it out here. The journal sits on my lap, open, but still untouched. We are supposed to journal every day – they check at the weekly meeting – but after nearly two weeks of being here I still don’t have anything to say. I spent the first few…
My Date with Chanel
“Shat!” I muttered under my breath as I set the bottle back down on the glass counter. A hundred and ten dollars? For perfume? But it was Chanel, so of course it was expensive. I’d be a little disappointed if it wasn’t pricey, because c’mon, CHANEL. I’m not a labels person by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, most of my clothing is either A.) thrifted, B.) Target, C.) hand-me-down. I like what I like – especially if it’s tie-dye, because I’m classy like that – brand name be damned. However, on this day, I found what I liked, and it was Chanel. Mademoiselle, no less; a sign from the Lord Almighty Himself that…
