What If
“Should we wait for Emile?” I ask.
Grandpa doesn’t slow down, and each steady stride of his equals three of mine, even though everyone tells me I’m tall for my age.
“No,” Grandpa answers.
Emile is my sister. It’s pronounced “Emily,” but everyone always says it wrong. She is two years younger, and we fight a lot. She is annoying because she follows me around and always messes up my side of the bedroom. She was still putting on her windbreaker and shoes when we left. Grandpa told her we’d be on the beach walking toward the point, although I would rather just wait for her.
When we pass the first outcropping of rocks, I look over my shoulder and see nothing but sand and the campground hiding behind beach brush. It’s February, and the place is all but deserted except for our family and a handful of old-timers. They come every year during the winter, when it’s rainy, empty and quiet. My Grandpa insists that’s when it’s the most beautiful, all green and foggy. I think the hills look like soft green velvet, but I don’t say this to anyone.
As we walk along the surf, I tuck scraps of abalone and pink sea snail shells in my pocket along with my tissue. Pretty soon it becomes wet and disintegrates in my hand. That was dumb of me, I think to myself. I will be needing that tissue. My nose always runs in the wind, as if it turns on an invisible faucet in my sinuses. Mom is always asking about them. My sinuses, I mean.
Pretty soon we round the corner and can see nothing but beach and cliffs, ocean and sky. The sky is bright blue because the wind blew the fog away. I squint when I look behind me.
“I can’t see the campground anymore,” I say.
When Grandpa doesn’t respond, I add, “Maybe we should stop here and wait for Emile.”
“She knows where to find us,” he says, sounding impatient with me. I can usually tell when adults start losing patience, but I keep thinking about what if.
What if Emile can’t find us?
What if she gets lost and we have to send out a search party?
What if she gets caught in a riptide and drowns before we even notice?
What if someone kidnaps her?
The what ifs keep playing in my mind like a tape cassette I can’t pause. Every few yards I turn my head around and my chest tightens when I don’t see Emile in her bright green windbreaker.
Finally, I can’t keep it in any more. “What if something happens to her?”
“What’s going to happen to her?” Grandpa asks.
I don’t know how to answer him, the feelings and words won’t straighten themselves out in my head. “Well…what if she gets lost?”
“There’s only one way to go. She’ll run into us, we’re not walking that fast.”
“What if someone bad takes her?”
“There’s no one here. The campsite’s practically empty. Who’s going to take her?”
“Lunatics?” I say. I know all about lunatics from books, and they always appear when you least expect them.
Then, lifting his hands in the way he does when he talks, “You know, you worry too much. There’s nothing to worry about. So stop it.”
His words hit the stop button in my head. I stop looking back for Emile, and before I know it, she is calling out to us, her voice carrying on the wind.
48 Comments
Pam
Hi Natalie! Sorry I haven’t been here in a while. I always enjoy your writing. This one was great. What a calming presence your grandfather must have (have had?). I love your blog’s new look!!! And I don’t even like cats:)
Pam recently posted…Who is Pregnant, Anyway?
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, on all counts! My grandpa is a firm guy, which helped alleviate nameless worries when I was young. I’ve never forgotten this moment.
zoe
As a natural born worrier those were my thoughts exactly. Oh for a day of being in the head of one who doesn’t experience that…
Natalie DeYoung
I know! Sometimes I remind myself of this moment, and it calms me down to think I’m worrying for no reason.
chamanasgar
Beautiful story Natalie.
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you!
Ice Scream Mama
once those thoughts start, it’s hard to stop. engaging read.
Ice Scream Mama recently posted…Let the iBeatings begin!
Natalie DeYoung
Yeah, they roll right along, like an ominous snowball.
William Dameron
I love the way you use a child’s voice in this. So well done.
William Dameron recently posted…Leaving
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Bill. Glad you noticed!
Deanna
Sweet story and I was worrying right along with her!
Deanna recently posted…Who Needs Roses?
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you! It’s hard to convey the persistent child-like fear.
Stacie
This is so excellent Natalie! I love that you did this in the voice of your younger self. And I’m so glad Emile found you guys.
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Stacie! Looking back, of course she would have. It was a good way for him to teach us independence.
Michelle Longo
I pronounced Emile’s name wrong when I read the first line and then I smiled when you corrected me. I loved this. It left me uneasy though. I suppose that’s because I worry about every what if I can imagine, too.
Michelle Longo recently posted…Spreading Bug.
Natalie DeYoung
Ha! Everyone pronounces her name wrong, because that’s how it’s spelled! 😉 I tell you, I still feel uneasy recalling it. It was the first time someone pointed out my needless anxiety, and it has stuck with me.
Karen
Natalie, I love this piece. I really liked hearing the story told from the perspective of your younger self. It worked very well.
Natalie DeYoung
Thanks, Karen! It was a fun challenge to write.
Robin
I, too, am a worrier. What a lovely story. I was following you down the beach, holding my breath, until Emile showed up 🙂
Robin recently posted…Storm Surge
Tina
The ‘What ifs?” can really wreck a day at the beach, if they’re allowed to fester. Thank goodness for your Grandpa!
Tina recently posted…The Bookmaster
Natalie DeYoung
Yes. My mind can really ruin a nice day if I let it.
Christie
I was pretty freaking worried about Emile. I am a worrier; always have been; always will be. Glad you got some relief.
Christie recently posted…I Smell A Diet Tip
Natalie DeYoung
Then we are kindred spirits…
Sarah
Great post! It transports the reader right to the beach.
Sarah recently posted…What I’m Reading Wednesdays
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you!
Joe
I am not sure Grandpa did anything to quell your questions. Of course as an adult of his age he had the confidence in his surroundings. But he was right this time and I am sure that elevated him in your young eyes at that time.
Natalie DeYoung
No, he didn’t, you’re right. What he did do was enable me to let go of my mind games. I always remember this time when I am too much in my head.
that cynking feeling
It’s nice to have a hero help slay the “what-if” monster.
that cynking feeling recently posted…Not safe for work
Natalie DeYoung
Yes. I still look back on that when I am worrying too much.
Samantha S
Love how you sequence this out. And the last line!
Samantha S recently posted…Stepping Back
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you!
Jennifer Steck
Beautiful story, Natalie. I want to know what happens next. I’d buy this book. 🙂
Jennifer Steck recently posted…Let the Writing Begin
Natalie DeYoung
What a great compliment!
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha
Oh, the what if’s are always in my head… I feel like this with my kids in the store, now that they are old enough to walk on their own, I get panicky when they leave my sight for more than a few seconds, because, yeah, the lunatics…
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha recently posted…Why Mindful Parenting Works For Me
Natalie DeYoung
Always the lunatics…
Jester Queen
I can just imagine your grandpa trying to enjoy a peaceful walk while you chase along in worried hurry. And then I imagine a dispute breaking out between you and your sister right as soon as you are relieved she’s OK.
Jester Queen recently posted…Busted
Natalie DeYoung
Yeah, that’s probably what happened, lol!
Cindy - The Reedster Speaks
Your grandpa sounds like what we now call “free-range parents”. In other words, awesome.
Cindy – The Reedster Speaks recently posted…Minnesota: Your Love Affair with Ice is Unnatural.
Natalie DeYoung
Yep. A product of a different generation.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real.
I cannot put my finger on why your writing moves me the way it does. I don’t know why I was so affected, so drawn in, by your inner thoughts. I guess it has to do with your craft, eh? I think you and I probably had similar inner climates as children. 🙂
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. recently posted…Haters Gonna Hate: Dealing with Mean Comments on Your Blog Post
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you. 🙂 And I’m sure you’re right.
Terrye
I’m a worrier just like that! And OCD. Loved the flow of your words. Nicely done!
Terrye recently posted…Top Ten Reasons Terrye Rocks the Kasbah
Natalie DeYoung
Thank you, Terrye! I think most worriers can relate to that merry-go-round of thoughts.
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