lake
Writing

Being Back

I took an unexpected vacation last week.

After BlogHer, a trip I’m still processing because I’m a slow learner when it comes to emotional stuffage, I felt very adrift, clinging to my sense of self with one hand. With no job, and thus no paycheck, to validate my worth as a human being (ESPECIALLY an American); with no one beating down my door to publish my writing and confirm my skill with words; with no husband to at least hug me at the end of the day when I felt like a loser, I fled from my life like a refugee from a war-torn country and joined Mike on his business trip in The Middle of Nowhere.

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The Middle of Nowhere, California

I didn’t expect to completely unplug whilst in The Middle of Nowhere, but Internet connections were unreliable. Plus, I felt inspired to write – not for an audience, but just for me. So I did.

I barely checked in with social media. I ignored my blog for a week, something I haven’t done since its inception. In fact, my blogiversary (August 4th) came and went without notice. Maybe I’ll observe it later, but today it seems unimportant.

This turned out to be exactly what I needed: a break. Time to regain some perspective. Time to write, which is why I started this whole endeavor in the first place.

I guess I’ve been having a good old-fashioned identity crisis. Who am I, if not a talented writer? What am I worth, if I cannot even provide for my basic needs by the work of my hands? To be continually humbled by circumstances out of my control may be good for the soul, but let me tell you, it’s not fun.

Despite all this, I feel like I’m building up inner strength as if it were a seldom-used muscle. The more time goes on, the less I need others to validate my worth as a writer. As I continually lose jobs I never really liked in the first place, I come to see that perhaps I am being called away from working merely to survive. Maybe it’s time to do something about which I’m passionate. Maybe someday I’ll get paid to do what I love.

Here’s hoping.

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38 Comments

  • Amanda R.

    Ahhhh….I know exactly what you’re going through. Every writer goes through this birthing process- detaching from corporate life to embark on a new journey that doesn’t fit into the normal 9 to 5. I’m going through a re-birthing process right now and I’ve had my blog for almost 4 years. I think it’s bound to happen a few times. It can feel lonely, up and down. But what’s cool is that you’re building up your self reliance. I always relied on other people’s opinions and my 9 to 5 to validate me as well. But this process does teach you to get down to your core to share your unique gift that you’re meant to give to the world, which can only be recognized by you when you are in this space. I’m totally fighting with myself for saying that because I hate the feeling of it. But there’s a good reason for everything, so I guess this iffy, awkward as hell state must be helping us get closer to the good. Wishing you love, patience and comforting distractions during the process. 🙂

    • Natalie DeYoung

      Thanks, Amanda! It’s hard to pull away from cultural norms like the 9-5 mentality. I mean, I was pulling away, but then kind of got shoved out. 😉 I’m struggling with it more than I thought I would. Here’s hoping we pull through!

    • Natalie DeYoung

      Thanks, me too! This is the first time I’ve been lucky enough to have an actual break to process it. Usually, I’m just forced into new jobs. I’m excited to have a chance to actually pick a job!

  • Chris Plumb

    Good on you for taking a well deserved “total” vacation. Getting away from the social media/blog for a while is a nice reality check. I’m going camping for a few days, and it will be the first time all year I’ll be completely devoid of technology.

    I hope what you were writing was in the mode of a long story or book. It’s time you put down a whole story (because your short stories are so flavorful, yet just an appetizer). I like how you are writing for yourself. It is your calling.
    Chris Plumb recently posted…Marriage is a Spiritual CommitmentMy Profile

    • Natalie DeYoung

      I highly recommend the break. Social media drains us more than we realize.
      Yes, I was working on a novel (maybe novella). Let me tell you, it was AMAZING to have time just to write for fun! Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real.

    Thank you for your usual refreshing honesty. I struggle with this, too. I have a writer’s identity crisis/crisis of faith regularly. I just went away with my family for a week, and I didn’t do quite as good a job of totally unplugging as I wanted to. I still posted twice, checked in on FB, but I didn’t read any other posts. So basically, I still felt pressure to “work” but also felt guilty for not reciprocating for a week. Jeez, I’m depressed.
    Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. recently posted…Struggling To Stay PresentMy Profile

    • Natalie DeYoung

      Blerg. The last few vacations I took were the same way, and it wasn’t restful at all. I’m trying to not be so frantic about the blog and social media, for my sanity’s sake.
      I think writers go through this sort of existential crisis as a rite of passage, especially in today’s world, where paying gigs are few and far between. In this world where monetary value of skills seems to trump all others, writers feel devalued (along with teachers and other types of artists). I hope for a better future for us.

  • Kaylen

    Hang in there, beautiful. I believe in your gifts and I know you have the work ethic behind you to make it happen. Keep dreaming 🙂

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha

    Welcome back! Maybe this is the time, instead of, as you wrote, continually losing jobs you don’t like, to find your vocation ~ where your passion speaks through you to the world… and maybe that is where your new inspiration for writing will lead you. And isn’t that the dream, to be paid to do what we love? Sounds like you’re more on top of your identity than you think 😉
    Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha recently posted…Mindfulness and Gratitude: Embracing ChangeMy Profile

  • Shae

    I think at one time or another we have all been here and we will be here again. I think that is the beauty of blogging. We are able to connect with others who understand how we feel and get a sort of online support system. I hope you start feeling better and find what path you would like to persue!

  • Ilene

    Welcome back! I have taken the occasion social media break in my 18 months of blogging and I find that at times, they are much needed and helpful in getting me to gain perspective and re-balance. And I think that as long as writers write, we’re doing what we’re supposed to do, whether its for a mass market, our blog audience, or just for us. xo
    Ilene recently posted…Old Friends We’ve Just MetMy Profile

  • Suzanne

    “As I continually lose jobs I never really liked in the first place, I come to see that perhaps I am being called away from working merely to survive.”

    Boy can I relate to that! I went through a similar experience last year. Email me if you ever want to talk about it.

    I think you are on the right path. We can’t all fit into the 9-to-5 world – and that’s okay, no matter what anyone else tells you. Keep writing and keep taking those risks!
    Suzanne recently posted…Distant ThunderMy Profile

  • Roshni

    You’ll soon figure out what you want; I think you’re already well on track. Don’t let what others say or do dictate you! And, just keep writing! 🙂

  • Katy Anders

    Unplugging can be great. For some reason, I have this unspoken assumption in my head that all of my internet connections are going to instantly disappear if I go away for a week. In reality, it appears the opposite is true…

    People like me better when I’m not here, haha…

    Anyway, I feel unmoored when I’m away from the net, but it is usually a good thing.

    Happy blogiversary!
    Katy Anders recently posted…Everything is Covered with ShitMy Profile

  • Heather Hopkins

    If only we were paid to write a post–the frequency would make more sense. Good for you for unplugging! I have such a hard time because I feel like I’m denying my blog the attention it deserves and I have a hard time finding the balance between posting substance/posting frequently. Both are fueled by guilt. 🙂 If only someone would pay us to shut down and just go finish a book. Perfect world, right?
    Heather Hopkins recently posted…Germany: Another day, another bullshit ruleMy Profile

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