I had grand plans for today.

I was going to spend the majority of the day putting some profound emotional baggage behind me. This is known in A.A. speak as Step Five.

Then I was going to write an amazing story and post it here.

Then I was going to make a delicious, moderately nutritious dinner for myself and my husband.

Because I am super-woman. Or at least, I try to be like her.

– – –

Instead, I got home late after a draining day. Good progress made on the healing front, but repairing the soul is uncomfortable, to say the least. Digging at wounds and flaws, rooting out the festering flesh you cannot see but you most certainly feel and maybe compensate for requires reliving the pain, and possibly more tears than makes you comfortable.

It’s so strange, actions that wounded you decades ago can still ache in the deepest of places.

I cried for the hurt little girl I ignored for so many years, and took a step towards letting her go so the woman I am today doesn’t suffer anymore.

Now I am raw. Raw and spent.

I wonder what I will look like when this is all over? Will my soul blister over and scar smoothly like sturdy parachute silk? Will those internal scars be visible, a decipherable testament to what I have gone through? Will I be more beautiful for them, strength shining through my flaws like freshly washed windows? Will I be hollow and brittle, more fragile for having confronted the demons?

I think today I am more human than super-woman.  For once, I don’t mind this.


Raw — 16 Comments

  1. AA is not one of my trials, but I’ve got others, and in my life I’ve learned to prioritize and do what I can do about what’s happening now…I like to think of it as similar to a thing I did when I was a kid. I used to turn my bike upside down and then spin both wheels and then just flip back and forth smacking my hand on the tires to keep the momentum. That’s how I think about a lot of the things in my life now, constantly needing a little extra shove to get going, never quite where they need to be.

    I’m not really sure what it looks like on the other side, but I do know there’s real groundedness in knowing you’re looking at yourself honestly. Not many people can do it well. Keep it up.
    Joe Cardillo recently posted…Style Over Substance: Five Ways That Culture Writers Snow Us InMy Profile

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I had a similar experience this week. Reading about your process was really helpful.

    That raw place is the toughest place to be, and the writing that comes from it is powerful, but it emerges on its own sweet, slow schedule (at least for me).

    Keep moving forward. Embrace the scars. They have already made you more beautiful.

    I wish you blessings on your journey.
    Karen recently posted…One Step Closer to the TellingMy Profile

  3. This is really beautiful. I think being human – being normal – with all of the flaws and hurts and just life that comes with it, is way better than being super woman. Wishing you lots of luck and love on your journey. You are amazing.
    Samantha Brinn Merel recently posted…Throw-Back ThursdayMy Profile

  4. I love your writing here. You describe something so personal, yet you do it in a way that I’m sure pretty much all of us can relate to. We’ve all been there to a certain degree and asked ourselves the same questions. Maybe not that eloquently.
    Katia recently posted…A Life About NothingMy Profile

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