The Hard
I am struggling lately.
This season of difficulty was not entirely brought on by external factors, though. Life is pretty okay in that regard: no one is sick, my family is on good terms with each other, Mike and I have stable jobs in an unstable economy. It’s not spectacular, but I honestly don’t have much to complain about when it comes to basic necessities.
No, this is an internal struggle. Part of recovering from addiction is learning to deal with yourself, as the addict masks their humanity with drugs or alcohol. No icky feelings, no managing fears, no confronting the shame accumulated over a lifetime of being human – a stiff drink or ten makes it all go away.
But no, truthfully, it doesn’t. Those issues fester as they wait for you to sober up, and if they aren’t dealt with in due time, they will rear their ugly heads, punch you in the kidneys and force you to deal with them. Hence, the twelve step program.
Really though, it’s the same process for anyone else healing from trauma, abuse, pain or self-loathing. You tackle your issues head on, try to resolve them, forgive-heal-move-on and alter your way of thinking to create positive thought patterns and habits.
I’m at the point in the process where I am inventorying all my pain, fear, and insecurities. You know, the fun part. A lifetime of un-examined issues, decades of sweeping my shortcomings under a rug to project a persona of (I hoped) competence, rational thought, and grace – this has caught up with me, and I can’t ignore the growing mound of psychological stuff I’ve ignored for so long.
Suddenly, every detail in my life has become about confronting my fears. They sneak up on me in my everyday life, popping out from unexpected corners and leaving me wanting to cry at inconvenient times, like, say, at the office in the middle of a meeting, or right before a birthday celebration after just reapplying my mascara. I didn’t really know I was a fearful person until I got sober, and I didn’t realize the severity of my fears until I started looking directly at them the past few months.
Holy hell, it’s been hard.
In this process, I’ve learned how scared I am to simply be myself. I’m afraid of what people will think of me. If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love me anymore. They might even stop talking to me. In fact, I censor myself on here sometimes so I won’t offend people with my me-ness. Imagine, trying to be authentic while still holding back what you’re sure will be offensive to some. I’m tired of it.
In reading about shame here and here, I’m learning how to not be afraid to be me, and it’s bloody hard. Fatiguing. Scary.
But I’m making progress. On Monday, I’m planning on letting you all know about a big step I took this week, a step that terrifies me, a step that affects this blog, my brain-child. A step that I’ve been fearing for a while.
Wish me luck.
37 Comments
Rhea
Wishing you strength for the journey my dear.
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you. 🙂
that cynking feeling
The suspense is killing me!
that cynking feeling recently posted…The Preschool Picnic
Natalie the Singingfool
Me too, haha. I’m anxious to see how it turns out.
Vincent
Sounds like good news. For now, you are right where you are supposed to be.Most of the fears and thoughts going through your mind is your body trying to get you to give it what it wants. People don’t realize we condition our brain to want alcohol/drugs just like we need food, water, and shelter. So, your body will try to make you feel like you are going to die without the stuff. Not drinking water will kill you; not giving in to the Monster won’t. It’s like being chased by a big dog. We try to run and get bitten every time. However, if you turn suddenly, bark loud and charge hard back at the dog, chances are he may run off. You will never know until you confront it on a daily basis, just as you are now. Good job, it gets better.
Natalie the Singingfool
Yes. Though it’s been years since I’ve had a drink, the crazy is still there…
I’m hoping by confronting the fears and taking action, I will invite happiness and good things back into my life.
Julie DeNeen
This was such a real post. I loved it, and could resonate it with it too. But I am waiting on baited breath for Monday now!
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you. I’m scared, but hoping this is the right thing to do.
Karen
This post is very raw and human. There’s so much beauty in that. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your successes. I’m glad you are feeling your feelings. Sending good thoughts.
Karen recently posted…Things Are Not Always As They Seem
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you so much. Being human is still new-ish to me – my default is trying to be perfect, which I most definitely am not.
Chris Plumb
I really don’t know what to say after a post like this, other than keep on writing. Expelling junk is hard in a private setting, but sometimes out here in the open is tougher temporarily, but more cathartic longterm (although there are limits). Offend away. I (we) can take it.
Chris Plumb recently posted…Private Hobbit Lives vs. Public Wizard Personas
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you, Chris. Your support means a lot to me.
Tracy @ Lifes Back Roads
Good luck on your journey, and huge kudos for being brave and honest enough to make the changes and take a real hard look at yourself. We all need to do more of that. Can’t wait to hear about your next step!
Tracy @ Lifes Back Roads recently posted…flashback friday – 27 august 2010
Natalie the Singingfool
I think a lot of people, not just alcoholics, could benefit from some introspection. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂
Daniel Nest
Aaah, but how liberating it must feel to confront those fears and emerge victorious on the other side! Sending you good vibes!
Daniel Nest recently posted…4 signs that NYPD and FDNY have too much time on their hands
Natalie the Singingfool
I’m holding out for victorious, lol. Thank you.
zoe
Brené Brown writes faboulously useful stuff! Have you seen her TED lectures on Vulnerability? THey are worth the look. Congratulations and good luck! Considering the amount of bravery it takes to look at all our own crap I would say you’re already successful! Being sober for thirty years this year …every moment has been worth it. Best to you! Sending protective and positive vibes.
Natalie the Singingfool
Yes, I’m reading the one book I mention right now, which I bought after listening to the TED talks – love! BTW, thirty years – WOW. 🙂 I’m at over three and a half now…
Thank you for your encouragement.
zoe
woohoo on 3 1/2!Those first years are tough! Im hoping that after the first thirty its clean sailing!
Adaobi
Keep on keeping on…You’ll be fine, you’ve already taken the difficult step – starting your journey.
Adaobi recently posted…5 Things I’ve Learnt from Playing God of War
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you. 🙂
Kristin
Thank you for your honesty. You are living such a fuller life now even if it feels harder, one that your children love and respect you for. Keeping you in my prayers. Also – love the blogs new look. Groovy cat.
Kristin recently posted…It’s All Fun and Games Until You Forget Your Feminine Protection
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you – for everything. 🙂
S.J. Faerlind
Best of luck to you Natalie! I think you must have some amazing inner strength. 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you. 🙂
shannon
This:
“In this process, I’ve learned how scared I am to simply be myself. I’m afraid of what people will think of me. If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love me anymore. They might even stop talking to me. In fact, I censor myself on here sometimes so I won’t offend people with my me-ness. Imagine, trying to be authentic while still holding back what you’re sure will be offensive to some. I’m tired of it.”
I so relate. <3
shannon recently posted…how to poo in front of your partner
Natalie the Singingfool
The more we relate with each other, the less scary it is. 🙂
Punky Coletta
Thank you so much for sharing this. You are not alone. Wishing you strength.
Punky Coletta recently posted…Dream Career…..
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you. 🙂
Tamara T.
I love your blog. Your honesty and creativity have a way of making me look at my world in a new light. I will be sure to pray for you during this difficult time and look forward to more posts. God Bless
Tamara T. recently posted…Thirty Days of Truth: Day 9
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you, Tamara. I appreciate it.
Jack
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is take the chance to confront some of the scary things.
Jack recently posted…The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants.
Natalie the Singingfool
Yes. Scary, but invaluable.
Marcy
Congratulations on the progress you’ve made and good luck as you continue on your journey.
Marcy recently posted…American Fried Rice and Mother’s Day Brunch
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you!
Katie
Wow! I didn’t read your blog on Friday but I went to a meeting on Sunday a.m. where the theme was “courage” and I realized how powerful is the prayer for “courage to change the things I can”! Yes you (and I) can! I’ve read your Monday post now; behind you all the way!
Natalie the Singingfool
Thank you for your encouragement and support! Courage is HARD, as is change.