Do you know what I want this Christmas? I mean, besides a direwolf? I want to be able to write a really interesting letter, you know, the kind families send off full of family details like Little Johnny lost his front tooth and Maisie managed to go one whole month without wetting her pants – except I want everything in this letter to be TRUE. As in, I WRITE MY OWN REALITY.

Yes, it could be argued that this is just another way of me trying to be my own God, which I am admittedly very terrible at. However, I see it as an exercise in creativity, or visualizing what I want. If I happen to manifest it, then *obviously* it’s just God’s will.

Basically I want to create a less-boring life for myself, just so we’re clear.

Naturally, the letter would include some nuggets of deep-fried gold such as this:

“In her spare time, after working at the local orphanage and writing the future Pulitzer winning novel for 2013, Natalie discovered the quantum mechanics of time-travel and traversed the time space continuum so she could go back and provide the singing voice for Vera Ellen for White Christmas:

I love this movie so much. It introduced words like “weirdsmobile” into my vocabulary.

In between takes, Natalie had the pleasure of giving Rosemary Clooney vocal tips and even stood in for her duets with Bing Crosby because he was so enchanted with her ethereal voice.

Upon her return to the present, Natalie found she had managed to keep Vera Ellen’s dancing abilities, as well as her obscenely tiny waist.”

That’s me in the pink dress. I thought I should be specific so I wouldn’t be mistaken for Danny Kaye.

See, I’m pretty good at this making-up-crap thing. I’d also include events like these:

“The good Lord also saw fit to remove all of Natalie’s allergies because of her selfless devotion to healing pit bulls from the desire to eat kittens. The world is now a safer, better place, both for Natalie and kittens everywhere.”

“Next year, Natalie is traveling the globe at the behest of her readership to speak on behalf of women suffering from SPEBSIA (Societal Pressure Exhaustion Breakdown Sick of It All). Her unfailing determination to wipe out this epidemic has inspired a revolution made up of all generations of women getting together and attacking the media and any others who would perpetuate female servitude with sharpened toothbrush handles. As a result, women from all nations have nearly completely eradicated the “second shift,” and now have time for actual lives outside of work. On top of that, there is now a motion before congress to require employers to offer maternity leave for their employees, as well as kitten-bonding time and overseas travel reimbursement, which will accrue throughout a woman’s lifetime.”

I’d better put in something about Mike, too.

“Mike was asked to start for the Los Angeles Kings after a scout saw his roller hockey game. After becoming the highest scoring forward in the history of the NHL, he was then invited to not only touch the Stanley Cup, but carry it around downtown for an hour on horseback.”

And mustn’t forget the children;

“Mimi learned how to juggle eggs without opposable thumbs, and she became her mama’s helper after discovering an aptitude to wind skeins of yarn into balls for crocheting caps for the local children’s hospital.”

“Rusty did not eat Mimi this year.”



In Which I Make Up Stuff to Alleviate Boredom — 10 Comments

  1. Oh yeah, well let’s just hope the Canadians don’t play the Kings because my husband will kick your husband’s bootay all the way to and from our now 12 bedroom house in “the Puerto”, I didn’t realize the place didn’t have a gym or wrapping room when we bought it, and then make him wear girly felted choker necklaces while he carries the cup-thingy around chanting “Corey Lucas really is better than me!” So there.

  2. I know this is late, but do you not have maternity leave? How do you have babies? (Not how do you HAVE babies, but how do you arrange babies? Now they sound like flowers. How do you work out having babies? How do you – oh, you know what I mean!)

    • Omitting the birds and bees talk…
      People either:
      – Don’t get paid
      – Their employers are super nice and offer paid maternity leave (I’ve never worked for such an establishment, but I’ve heard of them)
      – Are forced to take a “leave of absence” or terminate themselves, depending on the employer
      – People use their week of vacation time to pop out the kid, then promptly return to work and drop the kid off at Nana’s house or the local daycare or whatever
      It’s the stupidest thing about living in America.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge


Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: