If I’ve learned anything about life in my 29 years, it’s that you can make all the plans you want to and life sometimes just doesn’t cooperate. Whoever it was who said that God laughs at our plans was very right – I think it was Saint Paul, didn’t he say everything? Or maybe it was Bill, the founder of AA? I’m too lazy to look it up right now.

Too lazy for Google? Yes, I’ve reached that place.

We had a Fantastical Magical weekend planned, Mike and I. Our neighborhood association had a snow day scheduled at a local park, and we were going to walk down there with Rusty and take a family picture for our Christmas cards (Mimi would have to be photo shopped in later, because have you ever tried to take a cat somewhere it didn’t want to go? Here is the key descriptive word: bloody). Then we were going to pick up our Christmas tree and start decorating the house to the soothing sounds of Bing crooning in the background. Sounds idyllic, right?

We didn’t even make it out the gate.

During my morning workout, I strained a muscle: an intercostal muscle, to be specific. Have any of you ever pulled a rib muscle? Well, now when I breath or move or sit, it feels like this:

The Faces of Agony

Sneezing? It feels like someone is stabbing my lungs with an ice pick. And I sneeze a lot. If I were a dwarf, my name would be Sneezy. Or Grumpy.

Of course this happens now, just as I’m making progress with my getting fit plan (by progress I mean I can feel muscles again under my protective layer of blubber). After some research, I discovered I’ll have to take the bench for at least three weeks.

I don’t take the bench very well. I’m more of a fight-to-the-death kind of girl.

Then, as we walked/hobbled to the park, it started raining. By the time we got there, the snow was a sad little patch abandoned by all but the heartiest kids determined to make a snowman in the 68° L.A. weather. You have to applaud their determination. Sadly, I was in so much pain by that point I wasn’t too disappointed our photo plans were quashed, as I doubtless would’ve been fighting a grimace in every picture.

To top it off, someone broke into Juanita last night and stole stuff. I don’t want to get too specific, but let’s just say I was in a foul mood over that, too. I am aware that I can be a Negative Nancy sometimes, but this was really too much.

This is what I mean by Negative Nancy, in case you were wondering. She is such a bitch.

We did manage to get our tree, and we’ll probably decorate it once I’m done writing this, so I’ll save the pictures for when the masterpiece is complete. At least there we did something right – I think this is the most fresh, beautiful tree I’ve ever owned. I am thankful for this small blessing, because there have been years when I couldn’t afford a tree at all.

At least I haven’t forgotten how to be grateful. I am grateful right now for Christmas tree smell, which is the best smell in the world except for freshly brewed coffee and baby cheeks.

Despite the many disasters this weekend, I am determined to enjoy this holiday season because I have missed out on quite a few over the years, whether from school stress or job stress or alcoholic stupidity or money (meaning lack thereof) woes. I have plenty of weapons to fight Negative Nancy in my arsenal. These weapons include:

  1. A lot of coffee
  2. Pictures of Mimi jumping into the attic after we pulled out the decorations. She is such a furry ninja.
  3. Love Actually
  4. A corset I’m wearing for my ribs. The corset dispenses with the need for a bra.
  5. Bing Crosby’s rendition of “White Christmas”
  6. The Charlie Brown Christmas sheet music for piano.

So I’m planning on a good Christmas season, agony and all.


Agony — 14 Comments

  1. Ouch! See, I knew there was a reason I hadn’t started working out. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I enjoyed this post! I can completely relate to why Mimi wasn’t allowed to accompany you for pictures. Bloody is a great description,I have many healing wounds from herding cats! Anyway, I am glad you aren’t giving up on the holiday spirit. And I’m looking forward to pictures of your perfect tree!

  2. That sounds so painful, and sucky that you have to wait it out for so long. Hopefully the pain goes away much sooner than three weeks. However, enjoy the corset while you can!! 🙂

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  4. What a craptastic day, and then Juanita? People are jerks. Good for you for being determined to have a good holiday season. I can’t wait to get our tree this week…you’re right, the smell of a Christmas tree in the living room is like nothing else. Be sure to post a photo!

    • I KNOW! Why would someone break into a ghetto-ass car like Juanita? Because people are jerks.
      The photos are coming, although the tree looks less impressive in photos – partially because we don’t have enough lights, and partially because we don’t have a star for the top of the tree yet…haven’t found the right one!

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