Picture Me as Tina Fey. Maybe Not Quite So Funny Though.
Being a wannabe professional writer (as in, I’d get paid for my work), I frequently check up on solicitations for submissions, hoping to come across something up my alley. Even if it’s not up my alley, I’ll give it a shot – hey, you don’t know you can’t write unique recipes for Cornish game hens unless you try, right?
Today I saw an advertisement requesting “sexy stories and erotic fiction.”
Oh my.
For a split second I thought, “Yeah, I can do this! I have tons of sexy stories! So much sexy…stuff to talk about…”
Then I knew I had found my limitation.
Now, don’t get me wrong here – I don’t have any issues that need discussing with a therapist. At least regarding this. Just want to clear that up. I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’m all normal (whatever “normal” is) in that regard…
My issue is writing that kind of stuff down.
I have in the past referred to myself as a “mighty utilizer of euphemisms,” and I didn’t just throw that construction together without good reason.
Wow, even looking at the above paragraph in which I go out of my way to assure you of my, er, “health” in that regard, I still have to dance around the language so I don’t come straight out and tell you anything remotely relating to an “intimate” life.
Argh, still can’t even say it! Sssss…..
Nope, can’t do it. Sorry internet strangers. My inner puritan/twelve year old boy refuses to allow me to type further. I know this makes me a freak by societal standards, but sorry, I don’t care. This is the internet and I don’t have to write something if I don’t want to or am physically incapable of doing so.
Plus my family sometimes reads this.
So that’s why I’m turning down the sexy story opportunity. Unless I’m being ironic, I don’t want to use the word “engorged” in print. Or ever.
Ew, I just gagged on my nut butter. And…that came out wrong. I meant almond butter. That I eat. For lunch. With apples. It’s yummy.
The sexy story incident put me in mind of Tina Fey’s character Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, whose sexual hang-ups produce the funniest euphemisms of all time.
For instance, her reaction to hearing the word “lovers:”
“Oh, that word bums me out unless it’s in between the words “meat” and “pizza.”
At least I’m not that extreme. Thank you Lord, I am not that much of a prude.
But there are notable similarities between me and Tina Fey. I mean, her character.
See? That’s exactly how I would respond.
The similarities don’t stop with the weirdness about “intimate” discussions:
This is getting creepy.
So that, friends, is why you will never see me on a bestselling erotic-fiction shelf. I am too awkward to properly write about sexy stuff.
Family members, you’re welcome.
12 Comments
Erica Schatz
Maybe there’s a calling for awkward sexy writers. How fun and…awkward…would *that* be?!
Natalie the Singingfool
Only if I could use puns and refrain from any descriptive prose.
Kaylen
Haha! The episode with her dressing up as Princess Leia is still one of my favorites. Hilarious. Everything.
Natalie the Singingfool
Mine too! I don’t know why I haven’t used that trick to get out of jury duty yet…
Lindsey
I’m with Erica. I just attended a talk with an author who was beating us over the head with all the sub-genres associated with SciFi/Fantasy, so there’s GOT to be something for you out there. Seriously, who are we as writers if not creators of new and strange sub-genres? You could be a pioneer.
I’d buy it.
Natalie the Singingfool
Sexy Geek-Chic as a sub-genre? Perhaps. Maybe I’d give Ms. Fifty-Shades a run for her money.
Stacie
Ohmygoodnessgracious! You would be the perfect author of Liz Lemon’s romantic novel: Midnight Maritals. If you can’t FIND a writing gig, bring the writing gig to you 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool
LOVE this idea! You are now hired as my agent. Please be advised that this is not a paid position.
Winopants
I think your commentors are on to something here. “Sexy” stories always sound dorky anyways. More people could relate to funny stories about awkwardness. Hmm considering all of us blogging ladies are obsessed with liz lemon, i definitely think there’s an audience
Natalie the Singingfool
And I could fill that type of book with puns if I wanted to, right?
Sarah Almond
I’m laughing… I just don’t know what to say…
Thanks for hooking up with us at the Humor Me Blog Hop!
Sarah Almond recently posted…Humor Me Blog Hop #2
Natalie the Singingfool
Hee hee…;)