It’s November in an Election Year. You Know What That Means…More Pumpkin Pie!

Happy November, friends, loved ones and strangers! Don’t you just love November in an election year? Such a low pressure, peaceful time of year for us all. And those election ads on TV! Give me more of that televised magic! I believe everything television has taught me about life and politics, and those ad campaigns are so logical, informative and well-acted.

Barf. I hate election years, primarily because everyone is angry except me. Here I am all walking around like, “Isn’t the fall weather lovely?” and then someone snarls at me and asks if I’m voting for or against Proposition Σ, because if I’m for it, I must worship Satan. Although it’s impossible to avoid such interchanges, it is possible to remain neutral by nodding your head, and appearing to listen to rantings. Appearing to listen is one of my especialities, right up there with evading aggression. I handle aggressiveness with a good ol’ bait-and-switch tactic; I deflect the answer onto the questioner. “I’m not sure yet; what do you think?” works well for most situations. That way I’m not forced to share an opinion I’d rather keep private in order to escape uninvited venom and a twenty-minute sermon on why I’m wrong and people like me are the reason this country is going to hell in a hand basket.

In my opinion, the more important question is, why are we still using the term “hell in a hand basket”? Why not say “hell in a go-cart?” Or “hell in a flour tortilla?” Or why say anything so ugly at all? Why not just remark that “the country is going in a direction with which I frightfully disagree”? Yes, it’s concerning to me that people no longer practice respect and civility, especially in their grammatical constructions.

I have also figured out a way to avoid being bombarded with election ad campaigns informing us how the Republican presidential candidate sold babies into slavery and the Democratic presidential candidate gave money to crack addicts; just be too busy to watch TV. That does it for me, anyway.

Sometimes I’m tempted to give up this whole voting thing since my vote doesn’t really matter anyway – like anything I ever do/do not do will ever alter the fact that California is and always will be a blue state. But then I remember that if I don’t vote, I don’t get to bitch about the government.

I always like to reserve the right to bitch about things, if need be. Especially if I have to visit the D.M.V.

Maybe I should be more excited to take part in the electoral process – in fact, I know I should just be grateful we even have an electoral process. I could live in a country run by fascists who do horrific things like genocide or pointlessly controlling things like outlawing Nutella. So don’t get me wrong; I’m very fortunate to live in a democracy. I know this. And I really don’t want to receive any hate mail tomorrow.

I’m just very tired of people bickering and slinging mud at each other and telling me I’m a communist if I vote one way or an ignorant redneck if I vote the other. Because I am neither. Personally, I care for neither major party. Or any party. Or politicians in general.

But the two party system has unfortunately become a necessary evil, like bras or Microsoft Excel. Which is a shame, because both sides of the proverbial coin make me want to do something crazy like vote for Nader,* or at the very least someone who will do something preventative about the zombie apocalypse.

There, I said it. Let the hate mail begin.

If anything, I’m rather apolitical. Like many of my generation, who has seen the two-party system devolve into a spitting match-come-popularity contest (whatever happened to the days when we as a people would together vote Herbert Hoover into office?), I have lost a lot of faith in our government, which we all know is probably run by a big Cylon robot anyway. Or maybe a situation like The Wizard of Oz. I don’t have all the answers, people.

You know who I want to see in the Oval Office? A unicorn. Something we can all agree is amazing and worthy of admiration.

Try and see a successful zombie apocalypse with a frickin’ unicorn in office.

For the spoilsports who can’t take a joke, of course I’m going to do my part and vote this year; I always do. Deep down under the layers of grief and cynicism, I still believe it’s important.  And I’m going to vote for a real candidate – I promise I won’t pencil in “Mimi the Cat” on the ballot (even though that would give me a lot of influence in the Oval Office…). Afterwards, I will bake a lot of pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, so that family members will be so stuffed they won’t be able to turn this celebratory meal of thanks into a scene of bitterness and loathing, a.k.a., a political discussion.

So happy November, my wonderful readers. May this month be filled with pumpkin pie topped with homemade whipped cream. If you don’t like pumpkin, may it be the pie of your choice. Goodness knows I don’t want to offend anybody here.

*I just discovered Nadar isn’t on the ballot this year and I’m extremely upset. I thought he’d be on the ballot my whole life. It’s like finding out Santa Claus doesn’t exist, except less traumatic.

**On a side note, I see that Roseanne Barr is running on the Peace and Freedom ticket. This reminds me of an earlier election, where my fellow Californians elected The Terminator for a lucrative government office. That went pretty well, if by “well” you mean I was embarrassed to tell people I was from a state that elected a man who starred in a feature film called Kindergarten Cop. And you all wonder why I have so little faith in the electoral system.

***Also, I notice there is still a Prohibition Party. I’m sorry, but huh?