Back it Up – Palm Springs Edition

As I mentioned yesterday, I just returned from a weekend in Palm Springs with a few girlfriends, both of the old and new variety, so it was a solid mix of first-rate characters. For those who haven’t been there before, Palm Springs is one of those places that is miserably hot. There’s no other way to describe it. I’m not fan of desert climate, but what I am a fan of is flopping onto a lounge chair in the sun, mere steps away from a cold pool. Thus, I tried to ignore the sweat flowing freely from my brow and spent an abundance of time either floating in the pool or basking in the cool of the air-conditioned condo with my book. Anytime I can freely indulge in hours of uninterrupted reading time are treasured moments dear to my heart.

We had a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and a lot of food. Some of the other ladies had a lot of liquor, but I myself drank way too much chilled sparkling mineral water. Yes, there is a level that is too much, and you can usually gauge this level by the distension of the belly, which grows in proportion to the level of bubbly fluid intake. I definitely reached toxic levels on this trip.

Speaking of distended bellies, I had an…issue while away from home. This always seems to happen whenever I travel, this ailment as old as time. When Adam and his lady were ejected from the garden, before Eve gave birth and thus perpetuated the human race, I’m betting they suffered from this prostrating traveler’s condition as they trooped east of Eden.

I’m trying to say it with euphemisms so I can still be a lady…

Traveler’s sickness. Trouble getting things moving. Restricted movement in the digestive region. Stalled in committee. Got a full house, wanted a flush. Fecal interruptus.

Get the idea? If not email me and I’ll make fun of your obtuseness in private.

Thus, much of the trip was spent trying to instigate positive movement in that arena. I ate enough fruits and vegetables to officially become part of the California Central Valley agricultural scenery. I continued doing my Insanity workout (I hate you, Sean T. But I love you, too). I drank Traditional Medicinal Smooth Move every night. At the very end of the trip, I stopped fooling around and took some laxatives and bought some yogurt.

No movement, captain.

While it’s slightly embarrassing to discuss your bowel movement (in)frequency on the internet, it is one of those annoying human conditions that can really make-or-break a trip, and people who turn up their noses and pretend this condition doesn’t exist are tools. I felt just plain icky for the entire three days simply because of the stoppage. This is not the way you want to feel when you’re sporting a bikini, mind you.

Our final day in the desert we spent out of the desert, which was a decent distraction. While some of the girls went shopping in the sweltering downtown heat (suckas!), three of us took the aerial tramway up to the San Jacinto mountains and goofed around on the hiking trail in the cool mountain air, which registered a full forty degrees cooler than the valley.

Doesn’t this one make you want to be my friend?

Since I forgot my camera on this trip, I didn’t get as many baffling pictures as I wanted. My friend Stefanie is the shutterbug and got most of the embarrassing shots, so unfortunately the picture of me flexing my muscles on the giant boulder will not appear on the blog.  Sorry to disappoint.

Eventually, I was relieved of my burden (catch that euphemism? I could go on all day), but not until I’d been home a full twenty-four hours. So the story does have a happy ending.

Heck, any story that doesn’t end with me in the hospital for fecal impaction removal or dying of intestinal explosion is a happy one in my book.