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Down the Rabbit Hole — 7 Comments

  1. First of all, I’m loving this blog because I feel so close to you even though you are so far away. you describe ‘There’ so well. As you said, you know this will be a continuous struggle but thank God you have medication, a great husband, sobriety and a bigger box of tools to deal with it. I wish I could help you, but I know I can’t. It’s hard as a friend when you know you can’t do more.

    I’m going to focus on the travel bit – When I went to visit Whitney a few weeks ago, I lamented that living in a city has been so expensive that I feel like I haven’t traveled nearly as much as I had wanted to or imagined I would have by this point in my life. But, I loved living in the city so much that I continued to justify this sacrifice. Whitney said that I might feel doubly motivated to constantly justify my life choice because it would never be worth it to live here if I didn’t love it. I am only going to Europe for the second time in my life (and again not really on my dime) just before I exit my twenties. I may live in the city, but I feel like I spend every vacation traveling back to California. The thing is, I admire that you dream Natti. I don’t allow myself to even get ‘There’ to a place where I had such high hopes that I am now disappointed that I haven’t achieved them. I admire dreamers. I admire you. you remind me that it’s worth having aspirations and bigger goals than we can see as a possible reality. Otherwise, it’s just the here and now (which is great and so important). But, the really passion comes from those dreams. Thank you for sharing.

    Love you,

    K

    • Wow, what a substantial response! 🙂 Thank you, Kaylen, for always being there waiting for me once I crawl out of “There.” “There” is sometimes a useful place, where I get serious thinking done, like wrestling with a dragon and coming out on the other side the victor, with a clearer purpose or a renewed sense of content and gratitude for where I am. I know I hold up standards that are too high – reality isn’t my specialty. Hearing you share is good – it reminds me that I’m not alone in frustrations over life vs. plans.

  2. Thanks for directing me to this post, Natalie. Even though I’m in a much healthier place now, it’s never 100% gone and it’s a comfort to understand what I read of others because it means they understand me, too.

  3. Gurlfrannn… you are speaking my language (which, fittingly, is English- so unfortunate and boring and common, right?). I am in this place constantly- never feeling like the life I have lives up to the life I dreamed of, feeling trapped inside a house, job (or the illusion of one), and place that doesn’t suit me. Having to explain my anxious discontent to my breadwinning, hardworking, stable husband who misinterprets it as ungratefulness or unhappiness with him. Over the years I started telling myself one thing over and over and I am starting to believe it: the life I have now IS the life I wanted- I chose it all because it was what I wanted. Given the choice between hypothetically living in a van, traveling with a band of gypsy artists, living in a war-torn jungle, and having passionate flings with mysterious men… or falling in love and marrying a normal guy from my “home town”, having pets, buying a house, finishing my degree, and seeking a stable income… I obviously, chose the latter, every time. I think it’s the doom of perpetually right-brained artists like ourselves. We’re weird and volatile and never know what we want, which is why we are sometimes drawn to the most predictable, stable, and familiar things. In a sense, I think we’re right where we have always needed to be.

    • I TOTALLY AGREE, Hailey. I think we married very similar men, too; logical, stable, and can’t understand why I can’t just be happy with the 9-5 desk job. I chose this life, and I wouldn’t change most of the decisions I have made, but there’s always that discontent and the not feeling quite right with where I am…but when I take a step back, I know that this stability is good for me, where I need to be. A stable platform from which to dream and reach.

      Thanks for reading, and thanks for sharing. 🙂

  4. I’ve been purusing your blog for a few hours… what a delight it’s been. And then I came across this one. And it touched me. Yep… I knnow *There* all too well. As a matter of fact, I go *There* so often, I have a standing reservation and a room all my own. It’s dark, bleak, and starkly different from what I expect, and yet I go *There*, to that room, every time.
    It’s crushing.
    And although I don’t have the answer to cancel that reservation *There* just yet, it is comforting to know that others understand that gravity that pulls us back, even when we don’t want to go.

    If you don’t know, you just can’t understand.

    Anywhoodles… your blog is just fantastic and I’m tickled that I found it today!

    • I’m glad you found your way here! Even thought this one’s a bit of a downer, and I am sorry you’re acquainted with the same type of pain, you’re right: if you don’t know, you just can’t understand. Sharing the struggle lightens the load a little, and brings us together.
      Thanks for reading. 🙂

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